[Intro: Rhett & Link]
911, what is your emergency?
I nailed my finger to a birdhouse accidentally
Do you have some bacon?
Bacon?
Bacon, that's right
I have bacon left over from dinner last night
Rub some bacon on it
What?
On your hand just do it, rub some bacon on it
That's all there is to it?

[Verse 1: Rhett & Link]
What if I drop my phone? (Rub some bacon on it)
Or encounter my clone? (Rub some bacon on it)
I get mononucleosis (Rub some bacon on it)
My n*** pics get posted

[Chorus: Link]
Rub some bacon on it
Rub some bacon on it
Rub some bacon on it, yeah

[Verse 2: Rhett & Link]
My home gets foreclosed (Rub some bacon on it)
My cat explodes (Rub some bacon on it)
I wake up in a trunk (Rub some bacon on it)
My friend goes steampunk (Rub some bacon on it)
I meet real pirates (Rub some bacon on it)
There's an awkward silence
I say something unintentionally racist (Rub some bacon on it)
I'm an adult with braces (Rub some bacon on it)
I can't swim (Rub some bacon on it)
I'm visited by Mr. Timn
[Chorus: Link]
Rub some bacon on it (Rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it (Rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it, yeah (Rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, rub-a-dub-dub, rub-a-dub-dub, rub-a-dub, put some bacon on it)

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse 3: Rhett & BaconBot]
Bacon hotline, what's your problem?
What if I feed the troll? (Rub some bacon on it)
I'm attacked by a narwhal (Rub some bacon on it)
The apocalypse started (Rub some bacon on it)
I think I might have sharted

[Chorus: Link, Rhett & BaconBot]
Rub some bacon on it (Rub some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it (Rub some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it, yeah (Rub some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it, Rub some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, rub-a-dub-dub, rub-a-dub-dub, rub-a-dub, put some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it (Rub some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it (Rub some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it)
Rub some bacon on it, yeah (Rub some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, put some bacon on it, Rub some bacon on it, rub-a-dub-dub, rub-a-dub-dub, rub-a-dub-dub, rub-a-dub, put some bacon on it)