[Verse 1: Link & Rhett]
First off, I wanna tell you I enjoyed the pizza
Well, it really wasn't great, but it allowed me to meet-cha
I'd like your number, but I'm not gonna leave a big tip to get it
That means he's cheap and pathetic, and if you date him, you'll regret it
Twenty-three percent from me communicates
I'm generous, not desperate, and I can calculate
Is she supposed to be impressed?
Well, if you wanna battle, be my guest

[Verse 2: Link]
I'm a computer programmer and a cubicle dweller
I disabled Spell Check cause I'm a stellar speller
When I write an e-mail that includes an attachment
I never hit "send" before I've attached it

[Verse 3: Rhett]
Your job is a bore, I keep it hardcore
Selling knives and insurance from door to door
You're reflecting on a water cooler conversation
I'm giving an incredible knife demonstration

[Spoken: Rhett & Link]
May I interest you in some accidental death coverage, or a hard boiled egg slicer?
I can change your computer wallpaper to a tropical beach scene
Egg slicer
[Verse 4: Link & Rhett]
I carpool, 'cause I'm environmentally sensitive
I pack a snorkel 'cause I'm clever and so inventitive
It's "inventive", "inventitive" isn't a word
Yeah, I just inventited it, you just got served
Well, when I carpool, I take a group of third graders
On my way to work, I teach them multiplication tables
See, I'm a role model, an example to the youth
Then why did this kid just tell me that one times one is two?

[Verse 5: Link & Rhett]
At the gym, people line up just to give me a spot
All eyes on me when I'm poppin' a squat
My career Plan B is to teach P.E
The model on this machine, he's based on me
I've mastered the art of mental manipulation
Working every muscle group through meditation
This is me working out my triceps
Pick up my DVD called Mind Reps

[Verse 6: Link, Rhett]
My sense of style is sweet like syrup
It's not uncommon for people to think I'm from Europe
I don't follow the trends, I'm a style pioneer
See this turtleneck with a necklace? You'll be wearing this next year
[Spoken: Rhett & Link]
Is that all you got?
Nope

[Verse 7: Link & Rhett]
I see buttons, I just push 'em to see what they do
If something were to go wrong, I'd just blame it on you
I'm quick-witted, I always know just what to say
Then say something clever
Uh, okay
I was offered a record deal while singin' at a karaoke bar
But I turned it down and became the president's karaoke czar
I rescued a dolphin entangled in a tuna net
And donated it to an orphanage to keep as a pet
I gave the Heimlich to a horse choking on beef jerky
Two hours later, he won the Kentucky Derby
I'm allergic to nothing
I'm allergic to weakness
I embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses
I can drive a stick shift
Well, I can golf
Well, I can make it look like my thumb is coming off
I invented the Half Nelson
I invented the Full Nelson!
I've got a signed picture of Boris Yeltsin
My uncle is a lawyer!
I roll my own sushi!
I use the metric system exclusively!
I know Morse code!
Well, I can speak it!
[Unintelligible noises]
[Spoken: Rhett & Link]
You just said that the square root of raspberry should be legalized
Exactly