[spoken]
This song's about one of the scariest things that can happen to a man. Happened last month to a friend of mine, let's call him Jimmy. Poor, old Jimmy. This one's for you, brother, we feel your pain.

[sung]
He was naked in the bathroom, stroking his 'stache
Then he looked down and noticed this dirty red rash
Jimmy freaked out and he started to cry
"Surely it's not an STI"
Jimmy starts thinking, "What else could it be?
Did my balls or my dick get stung by a bee?
Or when I was drunk, did I dry hump a tree?
Surely this couldn't happen to me"

He's racking his brain, it's only a chance
But maybe it's chafe from his sister's pants
Straight on the 'net, typed in "STI"
Doesn't know if he should laugh or chop off his penis
Studying like a nerd, feeling like a fool
Only time he felt he should've paid more attention at school
(You should've done your homework, Jimmy)

Now he's playing detective, learning the lingo
Comparing pictures to his rash like perverted bingo
"Chlamydia, no. Necrophilia, no. Diarrhoea, yes."
(But that's unrelated)
"Syphilis, no. Herpes, maybe.
Fuck, that's a maybe."
(That's more than a maybe, Jimmy)
Hit by a truck, that feeling in his gut
Starts thinking what the fuck you dirty, little (lady)
Does it matter what positions you do?
Is one more likely to infect you?
[spoken]
Like doggy, you get the clap, and like, reverse cowgirl you get the shingles ([sung:] Is reverse cowgirl shingles?)
I don't know... no one knows

[sung]
There's no way to tell which girl made you crook
So it's best to send them all an accusing Facebook
"Hey, this is kinda awkward, but did you give me herpes? You're the worse second cousin ever!"
The symptoms add, but it's still just a guess
So Jimmy sucks it up and goes and gets a test
(Jimmy gets a test on his penis)

[spoken]
That time you wait for your STI results to come back is the scariest time of your life. OK, it's not, it's not even top five, but it's still pretty bad. Even when you're playing Mario Kart it's hard to take your mind off it, fuck, how good is Mario Kart? ([sung:] Mario Kart is the best game ever) Feel. So many feels.

[sung]
Jimmy goes back, he learns all the facts
He's relieved to know it's just a sweat rash
Not having herpes was the best moment of his life
Dreading explaining that to his wife
[spoken]
So to celebrate Jimmy went out and he fucked a prostitute. He didn't use a condom and now he has AIDS ([sung:] You should have done your homework, Jimmy) Feel. So many feels. Wanna play Mario Kart? (Yeah.) Shotgun Toad! Oh, ooh! (I want to use Toad.)