[Verse 1]
There once was a man who just couldn't cry
He hadn't cried for years and for years
Napalmed babies and the movie Love Story
For instance could not produce tears
As a child, he had cried as all children will
But at some point, his tear ducts ran dry
He grew to be a man and the feces hit the fan
Things got bad, but he couldn't cry

[Verse 2]
His dog was run over, his wife up and left him
After that, he got sacked from his job
Lost his arm in the war
Was laughed at by a whore
But still not a sniffle or sob
Well, his novel was refused and his movie was banned
And his big Broadway show was a flop
He was sent off to jail
You guessed it, no bail
Oh, but still not a dribble or drop

[Verse 3]
Well, in jail, he was beaten
Bullied and buggered
And made to make licence plates
Water and bread was all he was fed
And not once did a tear stain his face
Doctors were called in, scientists, too
Theologians were last and practically least
They all agreed sure enough
That this was sure no cream puff
But in fact, an insensitive beast
[Instrumental Break]

[Verse 4]
He was removed from jail
And placed in a place
For the insensitive and the insane
He played lots of chess
And he made lots of friends
And he wept every time it would rain
Well, once it rained forty days
And it rained forty nights
And he cried and he cried and he cried and he cried
On the forty-first day
He passed away
He just dehydrated and died

[Verse 5]
Well, he went up to Heaven, located his dog
Not only that, but he rejoined his arm
Down below, all the critics, they took it all back
Cancer robbed the whore of her charm
His ex-wife died of stretch marks, his ex-employer went broke
The theologians were finally found out
Right down to the ground, the prison burned down
The earth suffered perpetual drought