(performed as a duet with Martha Wainwright)

Loudon:
You never phone, you never write
Hey, I've stopped hoping that you might
You're trying to hurt my feelings, right?
You never phone and you never write

Martha:
You never write, you never phone
I'm sorry I gotta bitch and moan
I'm sorry I gotta pick this bone
You never write, you never phone

Both:
Sometimes I wonder
What you must think of me
My address and phone number
Must be misty in your memory

Loudon:
This year my birthday came and went
No call was made, no card was sent
But I got the snub you must have meant
This year my birthday came and went
Martha:
This year my birthday went and came
Last year what happened was the same
And your excuses sure are lame
This year my birthday went and came

Loudon:
Chicka-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa
Martha:
Chicka-wa-wa-wa-wa
Loudon:
Chicka-chicka-chicka-wa-wa-wa-wa Peter Frampton time!
Both:
Chicka-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wow

Both:
Sometimes I wonder
What you must think of me
Then I remember
It's you that you think of exclusively

Loudon:
I'm not gonna bow and scrape
Martha:
In every bunch there's one bad grape
Loudon:
I'm a little bit bent out of shape
But I'm not gonna bow and scrape
Martha:
I won't scrape or bow
Loudon:
Genuflect, beg or kowtow
Martha:
Just singing this song is fine for now
Loudon:
No, I'm not gonna scrape
Both:
Chicka-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wow