Lipitor tore up my tendon, that was no damn good
So now I’m taking Crestor, ‘cause the doctor said I should
I cut back on the Avodart, it’s every other night
Lorazepam for those occasions when I’m wound too tight

Sure Lexapro has cheered me up so much so I don’t cry
Or get it up; so I might give some Wellbutrin a try
Girl, I swore off Cialis, I’m no longer in the mood
Four hours at a tension, man, that could kill a dude

They say Ambien’s OK, long as you don’t drive in your sleep
If you operate machinery pray the Lord your soul to keep
Be aware that Vesicare can cut down on the trips
You make to tinkle in the night, plus subsequential drips

Ear drops, eye drops, nose drops, ‘cause dried up’s the shape I’m in
It’s like I need an oil can, I’m like that man of tin
Ice packs and heat patches for my aching knees and back
And that little baby aspirin to ward off my heart attack

I went down to Chinatown, the herbalist was there
I got some tea that tasted like a trucker’s underwear
Those acupuncture needles, nah, they don’t hurt a bit
And point of fact, those acupuncture needles don’t do shit

I should buy a Thai massage to get a few good hugs
Instead I head to the drug store and cop my load of drugs
When I was a little kid, I never popped no pills
Just a Band-Aid and Mercurochrome could cure most of my ills
Klonopin’s a controlled substance so I’ll bum ‘em from my wife
If the side effects don’t kill me, all my meds might save my life
I could drink and smoke and red meat, dairy and caffeine
I’m not quite high on life, just slightly dead, know what I mean?

I even asked the doctor: “Doc, how long can this go on?”
He said: “Son, you’re out to pasture, your next stop is Forest Lawn
You’ll need something stronger than your Advil and Aleve
If you want to eat and sleep and piss and crap and shtup and breathe”

If you want to eat and sleep and piss and crap and shtup and breathe!