Dump the dog and feed the garbage
Mow the floor and sweep the lawn
Salt and pepper on my porridge
Some day I'll be dead and gone
Oh my good girl loves me madly
And my bad girl is a flirt
I'll take the good with the bad gladly
And I'll treat them both like dirt

Bread and butter for my breakfast
Peanut butter for my lunch
Apple butter for my dinner
Marjorie for Sunday brunch

Baseball's fine football's rougher
Basketballers are all tall
But I like hockey, hockey's tougher
You must play without a ball

It's too much bother and too much trouble
I have stood all I can stand
I'm a son and I'm a father
I am just a middle man

When I wake up in the morning
I hop up right out of bed
Unless of course I am hung over
Then I pretend that I am dead
Dump the dog and feed the garbage
Mow the floor and sweep the lawn
Salt and pepper on my porridge
Some day I'll be dead and gone
Oh my good girl loves me madly
And my bad girl is a flirt
I'll take the good with the bad gladly
And I'll treat them both like dirt