Mine's not so big, yours sag a bit
I'm sure that we will hate ourselves for it
We're practically strangers and probably too drunk
You're not a piece, I'm not a hunk

Cosmopolitan's given you some rather high hopes
But I have read Playboy - I know some ropes
It's true that it's sordid, you're trash and I'm scum
But if we work real hard we might make you...come on, baby

Husbands and girlfriends, what do they know?
Fidelity's finished, gone ages ago
If you can be soft I can be strong
If you can get wet, I'll get a long...little doggie

So it's into the bedroom but stay out of sight
Keep under covers - quick, switch off that light
'Cause mine's not so big and yours sag a bit
I'm sure that we will hate ourselves for it