[Verse 1]
DJ Not Nice here reporting
Dreaming of rice since this morning
But the riots in Shanghai are so crazy
Price of tofu go up this year
This cause unrest in the Eastern sphere
Mongolians crashed thru the wall, it appears

[Pre-Chorus 1]
We're tryin' to keep the order here for days
But now millions are dead, and the others are raped...

[Chorus 1]
This is why we can't have rice things, burned again
You always burn shit when you bake it, always
This is why we can't have rice things, sucks, yeah (oh)
Did you hear me tell you cook at 100 fuckin' degrees?
This is why we can't have rice things

[Verse 2]
Why can't all Asians just be friends?
Cambodians attacked Bangkok again
Killed all of the women, kids and men
Which wouldn't be an issue, but they took shit too
All the Nissin cup and the Shih Tzu
What are we supposed to eat without dog and ramen?
[Pre-Chorus 2]
The Thai declared war on the Taiwanese (ruh-roh)
The Mongolians are still raping...

[Chorus 2]
This is why we can't have rice things, wok breaks (eh)
'Cause you break shit, we have to throw shit away
This is why we can't have rice (rice things) things (baby)
Fuck me (oh!)
Did you hear me say "hold the fucking wok carefully, please"?
This is why we can't have

[Bridge]
This is for the Chineses, burning down the city for no reasons
And all the Tibetans, history taught you no lessons
And this is for Burma, better hope you have good karma
And here's to Jews, who thru all this still waiting for Chinese food
(Yes, hello? I ordered my food an hour ago
What do you mean "Mongolians invaded the kitchen"?)

[Chorus 1]
This is why we can't have rice things (rice...), burned again (again!)
You always burn shit when you bake it, always
This is why we can't have rice things (roh no!)
Sucks (baby), yeah (oh!)
Did you hear me tell you cook at 100 fuckin' degrees?
[Outro]
Sick of all the round eyes raughing at me (oh!)
No more patience, now let's break shit, oh yeah!
They want us to behave like nice Chinks and Charlies
Did you hear me or was I talking fuckin' Chinese?
This is why we can't have rice, please