There's some as don't care
When they put down the plate, there's a sound
Not with me!
When they move a chair
It will scrape with a grate on the ground
Not with me!
I will have my hand right when I place a glass
Notice how I stand right as customers pass
Serve a demi-tasse with a gesture so gentle
Or do it again till it's near oriental
La, la la, la la, la!

It's an art! It's an art!
To be a fine waitress
To see that you pleasure each guest
There's a twist
To my wrist
When I bring your steak in
And watch how I take in
Your liver and bacon
It all needs to be stylish and smart!
That's what makes it an art

I remember one day
As I do now and then, I had shakes
Down I went
There with my tray
Full of coffees and cordials and cakes
Down I went
But I kept my poise — not one guest heard me fall
Never made a noise, not one noise, food and all
If you have to crawl, you give 'em what they like
You carry your tray like
It's almost ballet-like!
La-da-da-da-da-da-la-da-da-da-da-da-dum
It's and art! It's an art!
To be a fine waitress
Each evening I treasure the test
Like tonight was a fight
'Cause they hired this busboy
This clothes-all-a-muss-boy
And guests heard him cuss — boy!
Did we have a quick "heart-to-heart"!
Even that is an art...

Tips! Ha!
Tips are important to people like captains and barmen
For them, it's a tip, see?
For me, I'm a gypsy
Just toss me a coin and I suddenly feel like I'm Carmen!

So on through the ulcer
The backache, the hot sweaty feet
On you go
Through "Is your knife dull sir?"
And "Madam wants what with her meat?"
On you go

Two A.M. approaches, the curtains descend
There among the roaches, my act's at an end
Every night I tend to find myself crying
There's no work so trying
Or so satisfying...
It's an art! It's an art!
To be a great waitress
To do without leisure or rest
So I zoom
Through the room
With a flair no one else has
An air no one else has
I swear no one else has my lilt
When I say "A la carte"
You can see it gives me a glow
Every time I prove I'm a pro
Maybe I'm not quite Michelangelo!

But I'm not just a waitress
I'm a one woman show!