[MORTICIA, spoken]
She's perky

[GOMEZ, spoken]
She's bubbly

[MORTICIA, spoken]
She's optimistic

[GOMEZ, spoken]
Where did we go wrong?

[MORTICIA]
We taught her to hunt

[GOMEZ]
We taught her to aim

[MORTICIA]
We gave her a bow

[GOMEZ]
We gave her no shame

[MORTICIA]
We gave what we had
[GOMEZ]
Made sure she was bad

[BOTH]
Did all that we could to keep her sad

[GOMEZ]
We told her to stay away from modern jazz

[MORTICIA]
We gave her that week long trip to Alcatraz

[GOMEZ]
We promised she'd be equipped

[BOTH]
And filled her crypt with woe
What'd we know?

[GOMEZ]
We took her to funerals in the morning mist

[MORTICIA]
We took her to slaughter houses

[GOMEZ]
Schindler's list
[MORTICIA]
We taught her to scowl and sneer and domineer

[GOMEZ]
On cue

[BOTH]
So, what did we do?
Where did we go wrong?

[GOMEZ, spoken]
Are we good parents?

[BOTH]
Where did we go wrong?

[MORTICIA, spoken]
Are we cliché?

[BOTH]
Somewhere in between
Guilt and guillotine
We forgot to notice that our daughter lost her way
Where did we go wrong?

[MORTICIA]
And can we fix this?
[GOMEZ]
Maybe it's a passing phase

[BOTH]
But if she's going wrong
Then what will change her ways?

[GOMEZ, spoken]
That's it! We cancel the dinner, bolt the doors!

[MORTICIA, spoken]
We'll circle the wagons

[GOMEZ, spoken]
And give these "goody-licious" Beinekes the boot!

[MORTICIA]
We must intervene

[GOMEZ]
We shouldn't delay

[MORTICIA]
She's barely eighteen

[GOMEZ]
So what do we say?

[MORTICIA]
We know the occult

[GOMEZ]
That's certainly true

[MORTICIA]
We're to consult

[GOMEZ]
Morticia, with you

[MORTICIA]
So why all the fuss?

[GOMEZ]
My darling, discuss

[MORTICIA]
She needs only us

[GOMEZ]
It's us, only us

[MORTICIA]
We've always been there for her
To swear for her

[GOMEZ]
Discourage dental care for her

[BOTH]
Do well for her
Excel for her
Make home a living hell for her
So, "Where did we go wrong?"
Is not the question
Resolute and strong
Is our next move

[GOMEZ]
We'll tell her today

[MORTICIA]
Do what we say

[BOTH]
Send all the Beinekes back to the fray
Turn them away at first sight
And that's where we'll go right

(spoken)
No dinner tonight!