When the postman don't call on Valentine's Day
And Santa Claus don't come on a Christmas Day
That umbrella won't work on a rainy day
Don't ask me, I already know

When they find you beached on the barrier reef
And the only pleasure treasured is in map relief
The choice is yours, sure, saint or thief
Don't ask me, I already know

Yes, they baked your cake in little slices
Kept your eye on rising prices
Wound up winning booby prizes
I'm sure you'd like to think you know what life is

Find destiny through magazines
Lip-licking, unzipping, Harpers and Queens
From here to eternity without in-betweens
Ask me, I already know

With your heart on parade and your heart on parole
I hope you find a sucker to buy that mink stole
School for scandal, guess who's enrolled
So ask me, I already know

When they find you beached on the barrier reef
When the postman don't call on Valentine's Day
When the only pleasure treasured is in map relief
When you don't tell the truth, that's the price you pay
When I'm shaking a hand, I'm clenching a fist
If you gave me a pound for the moments I missed
And I got dancing lessons for all the lips I shoulda kissed
I'd be a millionaire, I'd be a Fred Astaire