[Part I: The Dirty Old Man – 00:00-00:43]

[Verse 1: John Lennon, John Lennon & Paul McCartney]
She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do, oh yeah
She's well-acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane
The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
Working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust

[Part II: The Junkie – 00:43-01:35]

[Guitar Solo]

[Verse 2: John Lennon]
(Down)
I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix 'cause I'm going down

[Bridge: John Lennon & Paul McCartney]
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
[Part III: The Gunman (Satire of '50s R&R) – 01:35-02:45]

[Chorus: John Lennon, Paul McCartney & George Harrison]
Happiness is a warm gun (Bang, bang, shoot, shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, mama (Bang, bang, shoot, shoot)

[Verse 3: John Lennon, Paul McCartney & George Harrison]
When I hold you in my arms (Ooh, oh, yeah)
And I feel my finger on your trigger (Ooh, oh, yeah)
I know nobody can do me no harm (Ooh, oh, yeah)
Because

[Outro: John Lennon, McCartney & Harrison]
(Happiness) Is a warm gun, mama (Bang, bang, shoot, shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, yes, it is (Bang, bang, shoot, shoot)
Happiness is a warm, yes, it is, gun (Happiness, bang, bang, shoot, shoot)
Well, don't you know that happiness is a warm gun, mama?
(Is a warm gun, yeah)