[Verse 1: Open Mike Eagle]

First I'mma march through the Doubletree
And make all the residents watch I Heart Huckabees
(Yeah)
I'll start five free festivals
For people brave enough to show their IQ test results
(Yeah)
The government should issue people rollerskates
Only optional for the elderly or the overweight
(Yeah)
All politicians should get replaced
So when they lie, somebody's there to punch them in the face
I'll put brushes on everybody's fenders
To free the city budget from shoveling all winter
Less municipal ticketing department powers
And no memorizing street-cleaning parking hours
Make PE instructors show the Figure Four
English professors teach Cappa's verse on Winter Warz
These kind of thoughts should fly like a chopper propeller
But they give all the talkshows to that Costas fella
With this brain I should've been had some mozzarellas
I tried getting attention
I did lots of yelling

[Hook]
You know, goddammit
I'm gonna smash me a watermelon
Think I'm playing?
Somebody pass me a watermelon
A big, fat, red, black-seeded watermelon
Think I'm playing?
I'm gonna smash me a watermelon
Somebody pass me a watermelon
A big, fat, red, black-and-green-seeded watermelon
[Verse 2]

Of course I do my shows Double-Dare style
Do you see this ridiculous-ass hairstyle?
I'm bald on the top like Kojak
But curly on the sides like the hairs on my ballsack
Yeah, I put my money where my mouth is
You see how big this motherfucking couch is?
And mainstream America's afraid of me
Shit I taught Jimmy Kimmel his A-B-Cs
Ha, see that wit?
We're evolved from winners
Because sabertooth tigers tried to eat us all for dinner
I'm descended from the ones that were smart enough
To hide in a cave and learn to write in the dark
And stuff
And motherfuck Carrot Top
He carries props
But that's where his merit stops
He's a Vegas lounge act
I'm an astronaut
When I hear his punk-ass gets laughs from shock
I book my own tours
Fuck taking half the box
Ain't talking guns when I say I let the hammers pop
[Hook 2]

You know, goddammit
I'm gonna smash me a watermelon
Think I'm playing?
Somebody pass me a watermelon
A big, fat, red and black seeded watermelon
I'm not playing
Somebody pass me a watermelon
I got a hammer
I'm gonna smash me a watermelon
A big, fat, red, black and green seeded watermelon