[Melissa Lozada-Oliva & Jonathan Mendoza]
This is a message

[Jonathan]
To every lone man out there searching

[Melissa]
Wandering through a desert full of sand

[Jonathan]
Every man with eyes deeper than oceans

[Melissa]
With a heart as big as a bus full of other buses

[Melissa & Jonathan]
You should take my mom!

[Melissa]
My mom has three jobs will you bring her coffee that she doesn't have time to drink?

[Jonathan]
My mom is very social
Will you drive her to mahjong club?

[Melissa]
When I had a sty my mom rubbed my cat’s tail against my eye three times
Are you down with my cats?

[Jonathan]
My mom swears she's seen Mark Wahlberg like 17 times

[Melissa & Jonathan]
That's not Mark Wahlberg that’s a 13 year old boy eating a sandwich
Are you going to have the audacity to correct her?

[Melissa]
And you have no excuses
[Jonathan]
You don't have to be my dad

[Melissa]
Do you like reading bedtime stories? Me neither cause I'm a grown-ass woman

[Melissa & Jonathan]
I know how to read

[Jonathan]
Do you like playing catch

[Melissa]
I don't

[Melissa & Jonathan]
I'm an artist

[Melissa]
Do you like PTA meetings

[Jonathan]
Velcro sneakers

[Melissa]
Middle school plays
[Jonathan]
Fuck Charlie Brown

[Melissa]
They never cast me

[Melissa & Jonathan]
Date my mom!

[Melissa]
So if you have the gumption (the gumption!) to spend time with a woman as majestic as a baby cherub eating a Chobani yogurt
With a digestive system so robust (so robust) she could eat a baby cherub (two cherubs)
And if you are anything unlike her last boyfriends

[Melissa & Jonathan]
Please let us know

[Melissa]
My mom's last boyfriend would send her pictures of himself shirtless from the gym. She doesn't have the data plan for that

[Jonathan]
My mom's last boyfriend’s mustache looks like a bird’s nest on his face
Pigeons used that shit when they got tired from flying everywhere

[Melissa]
Pigeons!

[Melissa & Jonathan]
Date my mom!

[Melissa]
My mom's last boyfriend dressed up as Borat for Halloween.
That’s fucked up

[Jonathan]
My mom's last boyfriend worked for Verizon

[Melissa & Jonathan]
He didn't even get us a family plan

[Melissa]
Do you have what it takes?

[Jonathan]
My mom still plays the 1992 version of spider solitaire

[Melissa]
My mom keeps tiny jars of Tabasco sauce in her purse with her at all times just in case

[Jonathan]
My mom once drove two hours back home for her sunglasses when she really left them on her head

[Melissa]
My mom's run seven marathons
When her knee starts spontaneously bleeding at her 26th mile are you gonna be there with band-aids

[Melissa & Jonathan]
So she can patch that shit up herself

[Jonathan]
My mom’s so independent she doesn't even need to date you

[Melissa & Jonathan]
That's how datable my mom is!

[Jonathan]
My mom once made too many nachos and ate all of them

[Melissa]
My mom once yelled at a waiter for giving her the wrong meal even though she had already eaten it

[Jonathan]
My mom does not need to make space for you

[Melissa & Jonathan]
But if you're cool enough maybe she will
Can you handle her cool?

[Jonathan]
Can you be the Odysseus sure Penelope

[Melissa]
The ham to her ham and cheese

[Jonathan]
But not really because my mom keeps kosher

[Melissa]
The horseradish to her gefilte fish

[Jonathan]
The Michael to her Buble

[Melissa]
As she calls him bubbly

[Jonathan]
Can you handle a little bubbly ?

Can you?
Can you?
Can you?
Can you?