[Intro: Abed (Danny Pudi) & Troy (Donald Glover)]
What if you were a Jehovah's Witness
That was merely pretending to be into Christmas
Gathering clues and blending in
To take down the holidays from within?
You mean like a spy, investigating?
Making it seem like I'm celebrating
When actually I'm infiltrating Santa's operation? (Yoip!)

[Verse 1: Troy (Donald Glover)]
Going deep cover past enemy lines
Making everybody think I'm on the Christmas side
Rockin' warm sweaters, hangin' big ass lights
If the fat man could see me, yo, it's gotta look right
I'll watch all the TV specials that I never could
I'll even cry during the sad ones like James Bond would
And when the big night comes, it's time to set the bait
Cold milk, hot cookies, decorative plates!
And he'll come down the chimney and it will be just him and me
But he won't know we're enemies, 'cause I'll play sincere
Bring a trap, like that, hug him tight, get on his lap
And tell him he can come back every year
'Cause I am Jehovah's most secret witness
So I might have to dedicate my life to Christmas
And act just like I love it 'til the day I die
[Verse 2: Abed (Danny Pudi)]
A-B-E-D
Connoisseur of Christmas
On the spectrum? None of your business
Thoughts too fast to comprehend
Just wanna do right by my friend
If years were seasons, this December
Would be the December of our December
More blueprints than Howard Hughes
But if there are blueprints, how do we choose?
We have to be happy to get to the end
We have to save Christmas to save our friends

[Refrain: Abed (Danny Pudi) & Troy (Donald Glover)]
We have to save Christmas to save our friends
We have to save Christmas to save our friends!