(Verse)
Blast you, Merlin! This is all your fault!
You swore that you had taught me everything from A to Z
With nary an omission in between
Well, I shall tell you what
You obviously forgot
That's how a ruler rules a queen!
And what of teaching me by turning me to animal and bird?
From beaver to the smallest bobolink
I should have had the whirl
To change into a girl
To learn the way the creatures think!

But wasn't there a night
On a summer, long gone by
We passed a couple wrangling away
And did I not say "Merlin, what if that chap were I?"
And did he not give counsel and say...
What was it now? My mind's a wall
Oh, yes, by Jove, now I recall

(Chorus)
"How to handle a woman?
There's a way", said the wise old man
"A way known by every woman
Since the whole rigmarole began"
"Do I flatter her?" I begged, him answer
"Do I threaten or cajole or plead?
Do I brood or play the gay romancer?"
Said he, smiling, "No indeed"

"How to handle a woman?
Mark me well, I will tell you, sir
The way to handle a woman
Is to love her, simply love her
Merely love her, love her, love her"

"How to handle a woman?
Mark me well, I will tell you, sir
The way to handle a woman
Is to love her, simply love her
Merely love her, love her, love her"