On nights like this, when the sea's a bit amiss
And the lights go down across the seaside village. Yarr!
I get down. I feel had
I feel on the verge of going mad
And then it's time to loot and pillage

I put on me eyepatch, and swab up the poop deck
And pull the wig down on me head. Yarr!
Suddenly I'm Captain Midwest Midnight Checkout Wench
Until I keelhaul and put meself to bed

Ahoy, matey

I look back on where I'm from;
Look at the scalawag I've become
And the strangest things seem suddenly routine
I look up from me grog on the rocks
A gift-wrapped wig still in the box
Of scurvy velveteen

I put on me eyepatch, and polish me pegleg
And pull the wig down from the shelf. Yarr!
Suddenly I'm Miss Delahaye 1663
Until I keelhaul and turn back to meself

Ahoy. Avast, scurvy dog
Some wenches, they have natural ease
They wear it any way they please
With their parrot curls and perfumed treasure chests, ha ha
Wear it up, blow me down
This is the best way that I've found
To be the scurviest you've ever seen

I put on me eyepatch and lower the anchor
I'm pulling the wig down from the shelf. Yarr!
Suddenly I'm Miss Saucy Booty from the sea
Until I keelhaul and I turn back to meself
Yarr!

Chum, grog, jolly roger, barnacles and stew
Cutlass curls, bilgerats, it's all because of you
With your Davy Jones' locker, and your hook and eyepatch, too
Arr, yarr, darr, ahoy, it's all because of you
It's all because of you, it's all because of you

Ah-harr!
Fire the cannon!
[Coughing.]
Yarr, land ho me matey!

Okay, everyone:
I put on me eyepatch, and shiver me timbers
I'm pulling the wig down from the shelf. Yarr!
Suddenly I'm this buccaneer of land and sea
And I ain't never… I'm never sailing back!
Yarr! Yarr!