[Verse 1]
Well, I was feeling sad and feeling blue
I didn’t know what in the world I wus gonna do
Them Communists they was coming around
They was in the air
They was on the ground
They wouldn’t give me no peace

[Verse 2]
So I run down most hurriedly
And joined up with the John Birch Society
I got me a secret membership card
And started off a-walking down the road
Yee-hoo, I’m a real John Bircher now!
Look out you Commies!

[Verse 3]
Now we all agree with Hitler’s views
Although he killed six million Jews
It don’t matter too much that he was a Fascist
At least you can’t say he was a Communist!
That’s to say like if you got a cold you take a shot of malaria

[Verse 4]
Well, I woos looking everywhere for them gol-darned Reds
I got up in the morning and looked under my bed
Looked in the sink, behind the door
Looked in the glove compartment of my car
Couldn’t find them
[Verse 5]
I woos looking high and low for them Reds everywhere
I woos looking in the sink and underneath the chair
I looked way up my chimney hole
I even looked deep down inside my toilet bowl
They got away

[Verse 6]
Well, I woos sitting home alone and started to sweat
Figured they woos in my T.V. set
Peeked behind the picture frame
Got a shock from my feet, hitting right up in the brain
Them Reds caused it!
I know they did them hard-core ones

[Verse 7]
Well, I quit my job so I could work all alone
Then I changed my name to Sherlock Holmes
Followed some clues from my detective bag
And discovered they woos red stripes on the American flag!
That old Betsy Ross

[Verse 8]
Well, I investigated all the books in the library
Ninety percent of them gotta be burned away
I investigated all the people that I know
Ninety-eight percent of them gotta go
The other two percent are fellow Birchers just like me
[Verse 9]
Now Eisenhower, he’s a Russian spy
Lincoln, Jefferson and that Roosevelt guy
To my knowledge there’s just one man
That’s really a true American: George Lincoln Rockwell
I know for a fact he hates Commies because he picketed the movie Exodus

[Verse 10]
Well, I finally started thinking straight
When I run out of things to investigate
Couldn’t imagine doing anything else
So now I’m sitting home investigating myself!
Hope I don’t find out anything hmm, great God!