Professor Elemental
A Fete Worse Than Death
[Sample of an old record opens]

Ahh, that's it boys!
Put it up, put it all up! Today's the day!
Get that big picture of my face, up on the side of the marquee
Cake stall, are you ready?
Dog show, all your doggies in a row?
Let's go!

[Verse the first]
If it's nice all summer
I'll entice more numbers
I'll invite all comers
I'll invite your mother
'Cuz tonight I'm planning for tomorrow morning
Getting up at dawn
Sorting awning and bunting

There's always something new
Here at Elemental Manor there's something to do
Something beautiful and a little alarming
Being built in my English country garden
So for one day you can come and try
My kind of fun on a Sunday in July
Quirky, lovely, quintessentially English
Wonderfully rubbish
Singularly distinguished!

[Bridge, 2 times]
(Come on down!) It isn't too late
(Another summer!) Let me give you a break
(Something a little different!) Let me give you a taste
Of the annual Professor Elemental Village Fete!

[Verse the second]
Opening now for B-boys and B-ladies
Steampunks go free, there's no need to pay me
Got morris break dancers, jingling baby
Serve strawberries and cream, with a forty of Baileys

Guess the weight of the break, the DJ rocks!
Splat the rat rapper with a stick or some rocks
Hook-a-duck left the villagers particularly shocked
Shouldn't have used real ducks, that's sick
And I'm not out to offend!

It's for unusual tastes
You'll need your own spoon for my hen and spoon race
Stop your screw face, my tombola is so far bling
Thrown in a car with rims and a chauffer
Sack race for clans, crews, posses, and cliques
Best pith helmet competition, obviously fixed
Cakes laced with herbs that will knock you for six
Who'd have guessed a village fete would have gotten remixed?

[Sample of an old record plays out]