[spoken:] Love a cup. I would--oh God, yes. Oh, that is gorgeous, yeah

I need a cup of the brown stuff, the shade of an acorn
Made warm by the same source that I take my cakes from
Using a teapot, a mug or fine china
Been hooked up to IVs, need constant supplies

And a drip for my urges might verge on perverted
But for earthy brown tea, I'm certain it's worth it!
With Sherpas who work herds and use a fresh fountain
I've discerned brews from Peruvian mountains

I've slurped up a cuppa from an elephant's trunk
With a couple of monks who utterly stunk
I've had bourbons with sultans and creams with queens
And I've bathed in Earl Grey--I'm really that keen!

And missionaries dismiss me for my single epiphany
The diff between him and me is a simple sip of British tea!
So when times are hard and life is rough
You can stick the kettle on and find me a cup


Now, when I say "Earl Grey," you say "Yes, please!"
Earl Grey! (Yes, please!)
Earl Grey! (Yes, please!)

When I say "Assam," you say "Lovely!"
Assam! (Lovely!)
Assam! (Lovely!)

When I say "Ooh," you say "Aah!"
Ooh! (Aah!)
Ooh! (Aah!)
Ooh! (Aah!)

[spoken:] Ooh, yes, I'll do a number on you


I've been around the world in eighty brews, to see the place it takes me to
To make a brew that tastes like the cream cakes made by angels do
I'm not the same as you, get shaky but aim
To swig amazing fluids but don't make it the same

Now, using fine leaves picked by pretty maidens
In a bag knitted by a seamstress who lives in Copenhagen
Brewed up in a pot made of semi-precious metal
Let the blessed contents settle in my very special kettle!


Now, when I say "Oo," you say "long!"
Oo! (long!)
Oo! (long!)

When I say "Herbal," you say "No, thanks!"
Herbal? (No, thanks!)
Herbal? (No, thanks!)


[spoken:] Hm, no. No, I want--I want milk in it. Strong, though--I want to see that spoon stand up!

If you're tired of tea then you're tired of life
Hah! I'm madder than a hatter and it fires my mic
Liken to me to Earl Grey, Assam, or Ginger
Lapsang Souchong, raise my pinkie finger!

Keep your sodding coffee in a proper copper coffee pot
And spot me lobbing teapots at your poncy rotten coffee shop
Coffee clots, nodding off--lost the plot, sodding off
Need some caffeine, tannin, and a Battenberg to top it off!

Cut from off a different cloth, a different lot can take their beer
On 80 cups a day, I haven't slept for 80 years!
You could say I'm mad for tea--or, or just say I'm mad--
Oh, you can't stay any longer? Oh, actually, I'm, I'm quite glad--

All the more Battenberg for me--

I can barely pour, my hands have gone a bit shaky from caffeine--

I love it though, I'd sell me own grandma for a cup...

Well, I'd sell YOUR grandma for a cup...