[JEFF SLATER, sung]
Not long ago, there was a man
An angry guy, awkwardly aging
Committed but kinda self-destructive, whining his way
Through life 'till ambition

And circumstance
Conspired to deliver an opportunity
No one except a megalomaniacal actor
With nothing to really lose would consider
So then, of course, this guy puts
Oh, yeah, this guy is you, in case you were wondering
Puts on a dress, a wig, heels and actually gets the part
And surprisingly, everything goes very well
But then, and how do I say it, you fucked it up
You really fucked it up

You got applause, you got the fame
Except it wasn't exactly for you
And now you're in love with a girl
Who thinks you're somebody that you're not
And in case you forgot, I'll tell you who you really are
You're the guy who fucked it up
You really fucked it up

Listen, Mike, I know when Mr. Opportunity
Comes tip-toeing and teasing
You're the kind of man who grabs him by the balls
But then when he screams and says:
"Let go of my balls!"
You just keep on squeezing
Well, that's the time you gotta...
I lost my train of thought
Hmm... But anyway, you get the point
You screwed the pooch! Epic Fail!
I hate to say I'm happy to say
I told you so
But it makes me so happy
I told you so!
I told you so!
I told you so!
You fucked it up
You really fucked it up

[JEFF]
You went tits-up

[MICHAEL]
I went tits-up

[JEFF]
Mistakes were made

[MICHAEL]
Mistakes were made

[JEFF]
You bit the dirt
[MICHAEL]
I bit the dirt

[JEFF]
Insane in the membrane

[MICHAEL]
Good song

[JEFF]
A major malfunction

[MICHAEL]
I really blew it

[JEFF]
The captain of the Hindenburg

[MICHAEL]
Oh the humanity

[JEFF]
You messed it up

[MICHAEL]
I did
[JEFF & MICHAEL]
The wheels came off your bumper car (The wheels came off my bumper car)

You fell on your face (Complete disaster)
You’re dead in the water
You fucked it up (Everything looks pretty bad)
You – ball change
You fucked it up
You’re dead in the water
You fucked it up ([phone rings])
And fan kick!
And buffalo! Buffalo! Gotta shuffle off to Buffalo! (Jeff! Jeff!)

[MICHAEL, spoken]
Jeff! Shh!

[DOROTHY, spoken]
Hello? Hi!
Oh! Oh yes, great!
Thank you!

[MICHAEL, spoken]
Jeff! The cast are going over to hear Julie sing and they invited Dorothy. Now Julie has been avoiding me since I kissed her. But she also confides in Dorothy what she wants from a guy. Right? So if I can meet Julie as Michael, I can use those things to get her to fall for me. And then fix things between her and Dorothy

[JEFF, sung]
Good luck to you!
God bless you Mike
I really, really wish you the best
I'll tell you what, I'm coming along
For moral support
Because I'm a friend
But mostly because I'm curious
To see exactly how you'll fuck it up