[Verse 1]
I've got a checklist of all of the things that I want in a girlfriend
I put a lot of time thinking of the attributes
'Cause I'm a detailed oriented guy
And I finally found a woman who's funny and smart
And likes pastrami
And wears cool glass
And sings about the Simpsons
Yes, her name is Goertz
Yeah, that name is right here on my checklist
Check it out!

[Chorus]
All my Google alerts are for Allie Goertz
'Cause I like to know what she's doing
All the Ernies and Berts tuck in their shirts
When Allie Goertz walks by
And she's friends with Chris Hardwick
And he's not friends with jerks
Oh, she's like Lucy Ricardo
And I'm Fred Mertz
Oh, Allie Goertz

[Verse 2]
Sometimes she makes a tweet
And it's just so very funny that it makes me cry
'Cause it's plain to see that she's out of my league
I get depressed and I have to lie down
Maybe I should write and sing a little song for her
No, that's a bad idea
That would creep her out and I don't want to do that
Oh no, I'm already singing a song for her
Somebody stop me!
[Chorus]
All my Google alerts are for Allie Goertz
'Cause I like to know what she's doing
All the Ernies and Berts tuck in their shirts
When Allie Goertz walks by
And she's friends with Chris Hardwick
And he's not friends with jerks
Oh, she's like Lucy Ricardo
And I'm Fred Mertz
Oh, Allie Goertz

[Spoken]
Parry: Oh, hey Stephen. Thanks for coming over. I really appreciate it
Stephen: No problem. What can I do for you?
Parry: Well see, there's this girl. Here's her picture. Do you think I should go for it?
Stephen: Hmm. I think that you are way too old for this girl
Parry: Too old?
Stephen: Yes
Parry: Dude
Stephen: That's what I think
Parry: That's not cool. That's ageism and it's lame. Forget it. You take your little Speak-n-Spell and your Presidential Medal of Freedom and get out of here. The nerve of that guy

[Chorus]
A little birdie chirps
Miley Cyrus twerks
And it's all for Allie Goertz
All the Ernies and Berts tuck in their shirts
When Allie Goertz walks by
All my Google alerts are for Allie Goertz
'Cause I like to know what she's doing
I eat frozen desserts 'til my head hurts
'Cause they're sweet and cool like Allie Goertz
All my Google alerts are for Allie Goertz
[Spoken]
Stephen: Now I will find this Allie Goertz and make her mine. Ha ha ha ha ha