CONAN: So Ice Cube, Kevin Hart and I decided to go for a ride around Hollywood and we thought we’d do it using the new ride sharing app, Lyft.
[Applause]
Yeah, how it works and, and we didn't warn anybody. Just got the app, I touched the app, the driver had no idea who he was picking up then once the driver picked us up we quickly put little tiny cameras throughout the car and went on a ride. And here’s what happened :


[Scene, Conan, Cube and Hart standing on a street corner]

CONAN: Alright right, now I’m gonna go on my little Lyft app we’re gonna get us a car and have some fun. [looking at phone]
Request lift. I see, Look at all those cars right near us.

Cube: we need to go to the weed spot, immediately.
Immediately!

CONAN: Ha, you have that look, Cube.
[signaling to phone] This guy Anthony, I trust him. Look he’s got host cropped hair.
[Calls Anthony] Hey Anthony, uh do you mind giving us a ride? I’m here with two pals.
you think... oh, no time at all, ok, great. We’ll see you in a second Anthony.

[a few minutes pass]

CUBE: Damn five minutes, five minutes ago.

CONAN: Cube is this you  [snapping], you want things to happen right now.

CUBE: Like that man.
HART: Look I’m not saying that I’m scared, cause I’m not, but this ain’t safe. We been on the corner for some time now and it looks like we’re selling ass.

CUBE: I mean you-

HART: That’s the look, that’s the look we’re putting out.

CUBE: That ain’t the look I wanna put out to the world.

HART: Hey She’s gonna try to buy anyway. We're not selling any ass lady! Don’t come over here and try to buy any ass cause this ain’t where youre gonna find it! Cause We ain’t selling ass over here!

Anthony! Anthony!

CONAN: Yep, there he is.
[Shot of car rolling up with a pink mustache on the front.]

CUBE: Hey, what's with the mustache, homie?

CONAN: Do you mind if we take a ride right now? I’ve got Kenvin Hart, got Ice Cube  Conan O'Brien right here. We take a little ride, we put some cameras in the car real fast, can we do that?

ANTHONY: Ok, sure.

CONAN: He’s in!

HART: Hey man do you know where the good weed spot is, man?

CUBE: Do you know where that is?
ANTHONY: I, I might have a couple ideas of where to uh...

CUBE: Is this your own personal car?

ANTHONY: Yes, Cube, it is.

CUBE: How do you feel about people getting in funky and just funking it up?

HART: You have people start fucking in here?

CONAN: Excuse me, excuse me, having sex?

ANTHONY: No, but they go into great detail about what it is they do sometimes.

CONAN: Have you ever had to hose the car down, the interior of the car down afterwards?

ANTHONY: There was one time when one gentleman vomited in the car so I did have to...

CONAN: Who’s sitting in that seat?

ANTHONY: You are, sir.

[Cube and Hart laugh]

CONAN: How did you know? How did you guys know?
HART: Hey man, have you ever been paid in sex?

ANTHONY: Uh, not to my knowledge, sir.

CONAN: Would you take sex as a payment?

ANTHONY: Yeah, why not?

CONAN: Would you have... well, I’m proposing that to you.

[Strange looks from Cube and Hart]

CONAN: I'm just saying: I’d save us as much as 30 dollars; you guys don’t even have to watch if you don’t want to.

CUBE: Have you ever got robbed?

ANTHONY: Uh, no not yet.

HART: Alright motha fucka give me yo!
CUBE and CONAN: Yo! Yo!

HART: You’d a thought wrong, jack!

CONAN: This is how we do it: we get cars to pick us up, we say it’s a comedy bit and then we take their money.

CUBE: Stop by the store man, let’s let’s get a fotey or something.

HART: Yeah, stop at the Seven 11.

CONAN: Yeah you know what, I’ll go, I can get us some forties, you gotta teach me how to say it. I say forty; how do you say it?

CUBE and Hart: Fotey

HART: Fotey

CUBE: fotey

CONAN: Fotey

HART: I’m bout to stop in here and get this fotey you want me to grab you one

CUBE: Yeah man grab me a fotey

CONAN: Hey when you’re getting him a fotey could you get me a forty?

HART: It’s the same thing, just because you pronounce it doesn't make it a different drink.

CONAN: Maybe it has fewer calories.

HART: We want foties and I want some snacks: I want like a Chico Stick and some Starburts.

CONAN: You want a Chico Stick, Starburts, we want some forties.

HART: Get us some Swisher Sweets.

CONAN: What's a swisher sweet?

Hart: It’s something that Cube knows about.

HART: Just get it, just get it baby!

CONAN: I’m trying!

[Conan gets out of the car]

HART: Hey now that Conan’s out... you like white people or do you not?

[Conan comes back]

CONAN: Let me get this straight, I just gonna go in myself, we need three fouties, we need some Swisher Sweets, we need...

HART: We need Chico Sticks.

CONAN: What, what’s a Chico Stick?

HART: Just ask for it Conan why you need to [expletives].

CUBE: Quit being so white!

HART: Hey, oh, and get us some lottery tickets.

CONAN: Lottery tickets?

HART: Yeah Just in case, some scratchers.

CONAN: You got a number you like?

HART: Ay Conan, just get the tickets!

[Conan Leaves]

HART: White people gotta be technical all the time! Hey, so look back, to what I was saying, Cube, how do you feel about Conan? For real?

CUBE: Conan is cool, man.

BOTH: He’s cool, cool, cool white boy.

HART: His jeans do be tight though.

CUBE: His jeans is tight.

HART: Look like Conan’s back pockets touching right now; I ain’t never seen nothing like it.

[shot of Conan’s ass, walking in slow-mo]

[Conan's now standing outside the car]

RANDOM GIRL: Conan O'Brien!

CONAN: You guys cool with Nutella?

HART: Just give it to us, man.

CONAN: And I also got us this: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

[Shows them movie case]

HART: I told you not to see that movie.

CONAN: Tallboys. That’s all they had.

HART: Tallboys.

CUBE: Hey, wait a minute, where’s the brown paper bag man?

HART: Conan you don’t just get this shit without a brown paper bag

Cube: Where's the brown paper bag!

HART: You gotta put it in a brown paper bag man!

CUBE: Damn, I can’t drink this.

CONAN: You didn’t say anything about a brown paper bag!

HART: We need a brown paper bag!

CONAN: You didn’t say anything about a brown paper bag!

CONAN: Normally in a car we’d be listening to some tunes, we can’t do that right now because anything that comes on the radio, we’d probably have to clear it and pay for it and we can’t do that.

CUBE: We, fuck, this is the Conan O'brien show

CONAN: Look, all I’m doing is, I’m gonna lay down a beat and that’ll simulate us listening to some good tunes. you ok with this?

[Conan beat-boxes]

HART: Let’s just all a cappella, let’s just all a cappella, just do this without the beat.

ANTHONY: Yeah that was not good, Conan.

CONAN: Hey, Did you say that was not good?

ANTHONY: That was pretty terrible.

HART: That was pretty bad, Conan.

CONAN: Anthony, what I’ve known you fifteen, twenty minutes now, and this is the kind of support I get?

HART [Rapping]: Here’s the kinda support you get:
when you real at the end of the day,
I kill,
look at by bag,
Hold still,
Real pushes a bill
Get em off of Kevin back em in the real deal.


CUBE: Look, I won’t say no jokes if you won’t bust no rhymes.

HART [Still Rhyming]: I’m in a car holding with my man O'Brien,
He just looking in the back, he just lyin'
In the car, the mustache straight rolled up
Ride the beat Conan laying down and holed up
Cube...

[Shot of cops walking down the street]

CONAN: Hey, we got a cop right here, we gotta couple cops.

HART: Put the beer down, put the beer down.

CUBE: How you doing officer? it’s La PD.

HART: You’re not supposed to be looking man, straight ahead Conan

CONAN: Straight ahead?

ANTHONY: Conan’s gonna get us arrested.

CONAN: So what I did was bad? I was looking right at him.

CUBE: You was staring right at him.

ANTHONY: You're gonna get us all busted, man.

CONAN: Hey, you know, you were on my side when we met Anthony and then, five minutes into this, suddenly you're with these guys and everything I do is stupid.

ANTHONY: Yeah, uh, obviously.

HART: Smart man: always take the black guy's side.
Whenever in doubt, take the black route.

CONAN: Really? I’ve never heard that one before.

HART: It’s a true, that’s a true line.

CONAN: How ‘bout: When you're not sure
The white freckled guys the cure.


HART: Anthony, DO you know where the drugs are?

ANTHONY: You know, they might be at Runyon canyon actually, where all the hikers go.

CUBE: Now were getting somewhere now were getting somewhere.

HART: Listen, you don’t tell no one you saw us on this mission, we’re out here trying to buy some weed right now.

[They pull up to a gate with girls around it]

HART: Anthony, you like any of these girls?

ANTHONY: Oh, I like em all.

HART: Are any of you girls single!

RANDOM GIRL: I am!

HART: Anthony, this is when you ask for their number.

ANTHONY: This is amazing.

HART: This is Anthony. Anthony, put, put "huge penis" next to it, yeah that’s how she’s gonna know it’s you.

HART: Show em you’re tits! Cube, Conan, turn around.


CONAN: Alright, I’m not looking, but I’d like to peek.


HART: Anthony don’t talk shit about them showing man

ANTHONY: What if my mom watches?

HART: Hey, It’s cable.

CONAN: So how does this work, how do I pay for it when it’s over?

ANTHONY: It’s all done on the App.

CONAN: Wait a minute this is my credit card.

ANTHONY: Yeah

CONAN: So I’m getting stuck with the payment, the full payment.

ANTHONY: Plus the tip.

CONAN: I’d give you the tip if you had shown her the tip, but you didn’t do it.

CONAN: You guys hungry? Do you want any food?

HART: what do you want?

CONAN: It's up to you guys you: whatever you want. You want Wendy’s?

CUBE: Yeah.

CONAN: What do you guys get at Wendy’s?

HART: I get the spicy nuggets.

CONAN: What do you get, cube?

CUBE: Uh, I'll probably get a Double.

[pause]

CONAN: What’s wrong with you?

HART: A Double? Why can’t you just get a Single?

CUBE: Look, you get a little kids meal and I’ll get The Double.

CONAN: How mad are you guys gonna be if I get the Toasted Flat Bread Asiago Ranch Chicken Club?

HART: That defeats the purpose of going to Wendy’s.

CUBE: No.

HART: Why we at Wendy’s then? Why we at Wendy’s?

[Later Scene]

ANTHONY: Oh my friend's calling.

HART: Is it Matt?

ANTHONY: Yeah, it’s Matt.

[Hart puts Matt on speaker]

ANTHONY: Matt, what's up, man?

MATT: Hey, what’s going on?

Hart: we got his ass locked down, that’s whats going on!

CUBE: You wanna see your friend again, you get here with a bag full of money, bitch.

CONAN: We’re gonna put his head on a stick! a mohterfucking stick!

CUBE: Yeah, we got that pink mustache shit.

HART: Hey man, You wanna see your boy and his legs again? Cause I’ll cut his shins off!

CONAN: We're gonna cut his head off, we're gonna cut his legs off and we're gonna put his head on the legs.

Matt: Wow.

HART: Yeah, you know what that means: that means that he’s gonna have to kick- talk.

CUBE: What?

HART: Kick-talk, I don't know, I never got this far.

CUBE: Alright lets get out.


ANTHONY: I need to show you how much you owe me though.

CUBE: Bout to run baby, let's go man!

HART: Grab the Wendy’s! grab the stuff!

CUBE: Shit!

HART: He’s on my ass! He’s on my ass!
Ha, we straight, we straight fucked em man!

CUBE: I gotta go back: I left my bag.

[Back to talk show stage]


CONAN: They’re gonna call me, I know they are, any day now.