[Verse 1]
It's funny how some fables became historic
When the authors clearly wrote them to be metaphoric
But people will believe anything if it's written
Especially in stone or ancient scroll
December 25th has been blacklisted
Since Dawkins found the proof Jesus never existed
It was the last thing anyone ever expected
Xmas has been X'd

[Chorus]
No colored lights, no shopping sprees
No more presents under dead trees
St. Nick is dead, but we don't grieve
We celebrate the last Christmas Eve

[Verse 2]
Jesuits are slowly turnin' Dianetic
Protestants increasingly become agnostic
Pentecostal churches are hanging pentagrams
Priests and nuns are molesting each other
Methodists and Baptists are claiming Buddhist
Evangelicals surprisingly are Nudist
But mostly everyone is trying to become Jew
'Cause Easter's canceled too
[Chorus]
No more egg hunts, no Sunday mass
Fridays are fair, Wednesdays don't ash
They canceled Lent and slowed down fast
Enjoy Christmas 'cause it's your last
No shopping sprees (Don't worry, son)
No more presents (We don't need Christ)
Under dead trees (We got eight nights)
St. Nick is dead (We got mitzvah)
But we don't grieve (The're all canceled)
We celebrate (Our Hanukkah)
The last Christmas Eve