Whenever you're in need, or just feeling down
Remember that I'm probably on tour in a different town
If you're in a bind or feeling against a wall
Please don't make me one of the first people that you call
And I mean this very sincerishly

Don't count on me - 'cuz I'm the worst
If I'm there it'll be a surprise to so many other friends that I'd call first

It's not that I don't care
I just don't care very much
Because I'm either on the spectrum or just plain out of touch

That's who I am, it's what I do
I could change if I wanted to, but I don't

But if you really need someone to count on
To bring you stress, to extinguish happiness
And anxiety and duress
You can always count on me

'Cause I'm chalant, I'm inspiteful
I am ....ble, .....ble
I'm a cockroach in a salad
I'm a ....... on a ballot
I'm an empty diary
As useful as a college degree
I put the 'emo' in chemotherapy
So if you ever really need some one to be there

Don't count on me
I ................
I was born in the beginning so I won't be there in the end
So feel free to call me friendly ('frenemy' ?)
Just please don't call me 'friend'