[Verse 1: Fat Mike]
Whenever you're in need, or just feeling down
Remember that I'm probably on tour in a different town
If you're in a bind or feeling against a wall
Please don't make me one of the first people that you call
And I mean this very sincere-ishly

[Chorus: Eric Melvin]
Don't count on me, 'cause I'm the worst
If I'm there, it'll be a surprise to so many other friends that I'd call first
It's not that I don't care, I just don't care very much
'Cause I'm either on the spectrum, or just plain out of touch
That's who I am, that's what I do
I could change if I wanted to, but I don't

[Verse 2: Fat Mike & Eric Melvin]
But if you really (But if you rеally)
Need someone to count on (Need someonе to count on)
To bring you stress, to extinguish happiness
And anxiety and duress
You can always count on me

[Chorus: Far Mike, Eric Melvin, Fat Mike and Eric Melvin]
'Cause I'm chalant, I'm inspiteful
I am peccable and compliable
I'm a cockroach in a salad
I'm invalid, not invalid
I'm an empty diary
As useful as a college degree
I put the "emo" in chemotherapy
If you ever really need some one to be there
[Chorus: Fat Mike]
Don't count on me
I'm just a clown
I'm gonna wind you up
I'm gonna cheer you down
I made the choice
To accept what people think of me
I'll be your whipping boy
Or your friendly effigy
I'll even go down for the count

[Chorus: Eric Melvin]
Don't count on me
I've no hand to lend
I was born in the beginning
So I won't be there in the end
So feel free to call me friendly
Just please, don't call me friend

[Interlude: El Hefe & Fat Mike]
After thirty years I'm still the new guy
Sometimes guitaring feels like work
When I feel like Chekov or Sulu
And Fatty's Captain Kirk
I think he's the punk rock William Shatner
I can see the similarity
His clothes are too tight
He's out of touch and lacks sensitivity
Don't look at me like you're in shock
Smelly is our redshirt, he sure ain't Mr. Spock
And Melvin is a Klingon, look, they've got the same shaped face
And I'm sorry to tell you, Hefe, but in the future
There's still no Mexicans in space
[Chorus: Fat Mike]
So don't count on me
'Cause I couldn't be prouder
The coke I shared with you
Was just crank and baby powder
Just like Cokie the Clown
I'm gonna wind you up
I'm gonna cheer you down
'Cause this is what I consider fun
Making you think the song was already done

[Outro: Fat Mike]
So don't count on me
Don't count on me