[Verse 1]
I'm not a player, I just suck a lot
I couldn't give a shucking fit whether we win the cup or not
In real life I can't even kick it
I've never been to a match, let alone bought a season ticket
There's no denying my skill though
I can dribble all over my pillow
I can't do a scissor kick, but I can kick scissors
And sue whoever manufactured them for six figures
I'm a man on a mission with ambition
To be the sickest soccer kickist in my position
At school I liked playing defender a bit
'Cause I could have a chit chat down the end of the pitch
With my friend who was shit, we used to collect stickers
But we'd get suspicious even at the scent of a kit
But now I want to make it in the premiership
If you don't have faith I will, it'll offend me, you prick

I'm the son of a bitch that'll run on the pitch
So awkward you'll think that were was some kind of glitch
And within a couple of minutes I'll have stitch
I don't want to put the effort in, I just want to be rich
I'm the son of a bitch that'll run on the pitch
So awkward you'll think that were was some kind of glitch
And within a couple of minutes I'll have stitch
I don't want to put the effort in, I just want to be rich
[Chorus]
I'm not a player 'cause I suck a lot (hah, huh)
I'm not a player 'cause I suck a lot (ah, oi)
I'm not a player 'cause I suck a lot (heyey!)
I'm not a player 'cause I suck a lot (yeah, ey)

[Verse 2]
I'm not a player 'cause I suck a lot
I tripped over my laces and nearly grazed my knuckle off
I can't even recall a time my side won
My keepy uppy record is like none
By gum, my chum, why try when I
Can just hide inside sat on my bum?
Twiddle my thumbs on the Joypad, I'd enjoy that
Taped over the final to annoy Dad
So call the boy bad, I call it fair play
I'm not a good sport or good at sport, I'm bare bait
Stuck kicking a snare across the airwaves
Better at rap than football, I dare say
Though get in the way of my goal and get battered
Your reputation wrecked, tattered
Sepp Blatter
I'm a professional athlete, 'cept fatter
You'll never get me to a track meet, I'm already knackered

(Yeah)
[Chorus]
I'm not a player 'cause I suck a lot (hah, huh)
I'm not a player 'cause I suck a lot (ah, oi)
I'm not a player 'cause I suck a lot (heyey!)
I'm not a player 'cause I suck a lot (yeah, ey)