[Verse]
Hi, I’m Nigel Burke
You might know me as the guy that lurks
In the hospital pulling back the final curtains
As saving lives is my line of work
I’m overworked and I’m overpaid
Nobody else gets home as late
No time to poo, no time to wee
To go on a date, no time to sleep, see
But regardless of what they’re paying me
I’m the hardest in the A&E
A couple of whiskies, a couple of baileys
I’m ready for my shift, give me the blade, please
This is an emergency surgery, third degree burns
Leave the patient waiting in purgatory, operating with urgency
We can’t take an eternity, blood loss rate is discernibly
Worse than the state of my purse on my Lace Anniversary (Unlucky!)
That’s why I stay here so late just to earn a fee
That’s why the patient is late, toe-tagged and lay on a slate
In this infirmary, yeah, I may have made a mistake
There may be stains on my apron, but, baby, hey, I’m just sayin'
That when the table is shaking in the back of an ambulance
It’s a little difficult to keep on track what your hands are doing
Oh, golly, when you’re on a trolley
Trying to find the right tool's like Where’s Wally
If I was you I’d be crying for my mommy
I’d give you a tissue but I’ve not got one on me
Sorry, I’m a little unprepared
But luckily, you’re not in a position to be running scared
Caught you unaware, anesthetized
Now, you’re asleep, give me your teeth and eyes
What are you worried about? Who’s scary?
I’m just the new tooth fairy
I’m coming for your calcium
Like a loon let loose in the dairy
When I said I’m not a dentist, what I meant is
Of all my skills, it’s just a percentage
My qualifications might be invented
But I won’t get better without trying to attempt it
Dentally demented, I tend to need apprentices
Because it’s them that seem to comprehend more than me
I generally pretend it and so far, I’ve never been suspended
In theater, I’m territorial
Less surgical, more gladiatorial
If this gets any more gory
I’ll put it on YouTube as a tutorial
I’ve been awake on call for days
My eyes are red as when I went to Ultralase
Not a qualified eye surgeon, but I can’t help but help when your eye’s hurting
See, I’m a nice person, Chris Martin
I’ll try to fix you, quick, stick a heart in!
Enough blarting, we’ve hit an artery
Made a chest cavity big enough to park in
[Bridge]
Demographically setting a precedent
Increasing the speed that you’ll get an inheritance
I never get done for medical negligence
Not because I’m good but ‘cause I bury the evidence
Demographically setting a precedent
Increasing the speed that you’ll get an inheritance
I never get done for medical negligence
Not because I’m good but ‘cause I bury the evidence

[Outro]
Chop, chop
Your life in my hands