[Verse 1]
Have you ever seen a man climbing a wall?
Up the side of a building that is decidedly tall
Who despite gravity, trying, is declining to fall
One can only imagine the flipping size of his balls
Well, that's me, known as Spider-Man or Spidey
And I'm called Peter Parker, really though
I should be Peter Parkour
Leaping through the dark, gloomy city, coming at you
Weaving over roofs like a traditional thatcher
So, no matter your stance or your status or stature
You bad guys are flies and I'm gonna catch ya
This one's for Gwen and Uncle Ben, dedicated to Aunt May
I'm the man you dress up as when you're too lazy to cosplay

[Chorus 1]
Spider-Man! Spider-Man!
Does whatever a spider can
Spider-Man! Spider-Man!
He's not a mutant, it's an overactive thyroid gland
Spider-Man! Spider-Man!
I'm delivering this line from my diaphragm
Spider-Man! Spider-Man!
If you still don't get it, here's a diagram

[Verse 2]
I'm Iron Man but without the massive salary
I'm Bruce Wayne if he had a loving family
I'm Bruce Banner but without being ripped or angry
I'm the Black Panther but without much of a tan on me
I'm the Flash if he hadn't ever ran at speed
I'm Jean Grey but with a double-a cup mammary
I'm Deadpool if he lacked a personality
I'm James Gunn without directing Guardians of the Galax-oh
I'll just pop out for a vertical jog
Where buildings penetrate the sky like a cervical swab
I started at the bottom, now, I'm traversing atop
A massive phallic symbol as if it's my personal knob
Err, you'll have to take my word for it but I'm this handsome
Definitely not a virgin, my dick Branson
Oh, sorry, I just went off on a big tangent
But now, I'm trapping you in the web like Chris Hansen
[Chorus 2]
Spider-Man! Spider-Man!
Does whatever a spider can
Spider-Man! Spider-Man!
Goes hard like a penile implant
Spider-Man! Spider-Man!
Does whatever a spider can
Apart from eating their mate during copulation
That we know of anyway
Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Spider-Man!

[Verse 3]
I'm a happy, kind of rapper, guy
No grime pretense
Yeah, I'm a little camp but so are tiny tents
Look, in my defense, I can't rely on my Spidey-Sense
And I can't deny that I'm immense so, why pretend?
It's kind of dense!
I'm the headliner, you guys are the side events
I fly across the skyline while you try to climb a fence
High flying Fashionista wrapped in tight lycra
Defying expectations of my critics like bycra
Say I can't swing roof to roof, that's fake news
It's not up to me to prove the truth
So, if you dispute then I refuse to tip-toe
You can take it straight up with Stan Lee and Steve Ditko
It's risky like investing into P2P crypto
Or expecting to see Diplo at the D of E disco
So come along to my swingers club
I'll bring the white stuff if you bring the bub
I've got a thing for Kinbaku, the kink I love
And don't be scared if you find a spider in the tub
I'm here to help you get over arachnophobia
So, don't be afraid
You're like a cobweb when I blow you away
[Chorus 3]
Spider-Man! Spider-Man!
Does whatever a spider can
Spider-Man! Spider-Man!
Gets ASMR during an eye exam
Spider-Man! Spider-Man!
Never constipated, thanks to high-fibre bran
Let me promote for a mo', hope you don't mind the spam
This track's on Google Music, Spotify and Tidal, damn!