Hi I’m Dan Bull
And I’m starting a feature called Rap School
To help you learn the stuff no one’s teaching you at school
So first let me take three minutes of your day
And explain how to skilfully and brilliantly shave

Oh, and by the way
If you’ve already got a beard
You may want to trim it first
‘Cause shaving it feels rather weird
Now, choose a razor that suits it to your taste
You don’t need to pay much to groom and smoothen up your face
It could be basic, but make sure the blade is not serrated
Replace it with a new one as soon as there’s a chafe
I use one with at least a couple of blades; a double dose
Now it’s time to get acquainted with the way your stubble grows
Place a hand on your face and move
Your fingers to your chin, the grain is smooth
And when you slide them upwards, then you’ll find it’s rougher
Now you’re going against the grain like a crop cutter
Ha

And now that you and your face have got to know each other
It’s time to get it wet and wash that sucker
Look
A lot of people can’t be bothered with this bit
But there’s a reason it’s good to get it smothered in liquid
Imagine you’re a painter and your face is a canvas
You want to make it blank before creating the grandness
Yeah, you may be handsome but you’re no oil painting
So wash the oil off with warm water from the basin
It’ll freshen up your pores so that the razor could be more effective on your skin without sticking and scraping
That’s why if you’re able you may also want to take a min to rub it with a scrub encouraging exfoliation
And once you’re washed
Get a hot damp cloth
Drape it on your face like a veil on a Vamp Goth
It’ll make the whiskers soft and easy to chop
So don’t take it off ‘til we hear the drop

Now it’s time to pick the shaving cream or foam we want
And give yourself a big white beard like you’re Obi Wan
Kenobi played by Alec Guinness who did it better
But then we’ll slowly work it back until you’re Ewan McGregor
There are lots of different options
So pick one that’s your cup of tea
I like the fluffy frothy type ‘cause it’s all bubbly
Lovely
Now here comes the really fun bit
Just whack it all over like a solo on a drum kit
Get your face all slathered in lather
‘Til you couldn’t be recognised by your mother and father
Now let it settle on the surface
The waiting will be worth it
Once your face is shaven clean
You’ll reckon that it’s perfect

Now once you got that
Turn on the hot tap
Wash that razor’s blade
Give it a short bath
Now
Pick your razor up
Grip it by the shaft
And stick your finger up it
To the tip until it’s flat
You should hold it at about thirty degrees
That will make sure it curves over the surface with ease
Now slide it down your cheek
Using minimal pressure
So you don’t irritate your skin
Remember it isn’t leather
And then you’ll feel fresher
By reducing the strain
You’re producing less pain
So always move with the grain
Follow the natural pattern that your hair grows in
Unless you happen to be Seth Rogen
Then heck knows
Get into a rhythm as if you’re listening to techno
With repetition you’ll very quickly be giving deft strokes
Get into a rhythm as if you’re listening to techno
With repetition you’ll very quickly be giving deft strokes
The straighter the movement
The smoother the motion
The lower the need for post shave soothing lotion
And for certain problematic bits like the jawline
Just grab the skin and lift it up until it’s all tight
You’ll find that the skin
That was under that bone
Will be easier to skim
Now it’s in the flat zone
I know that under the nose is really awkward
But trimming what grows there is pretty important
So tuck your top lip over your teeth
And mow across from each approach so that’s it’s sleek
Expose your throat by simply lifting your chin
And keep it with the grain like you did at the beginning
Keep the razor clean and wet by dipping it in
Whenever there’s a bit of hair on it just give it a rinse
And then finally
It’s time to tidy your sideburns
If you want to trim them in a horizontal line
Turn your razor so it’s facing parallel to the ground
At the hight that you’d like and then slide it down
Now you’re clean shaven
It’s time for washing again
So you can see your face looking like the bottom of a baby
Give it another rinse with hot if you’ve got time
Otherwise splashing the cold on is just fine
Now it’s time to pat every little spot dry
Rub it in a little bit of moisturiser
Gosh my boy don’t you look fly
So you don’t have to bathe in aftershave at all
Unless that’s your taste it’s your call
It’s all cool
But there’s one more thing you ought to do
Wash and dry your razor so next time it’s like it’s all new
So well done you
You’ve just had a perfect shave
And now the world is yours
And you deserve it mate