[Verse 1]
Jesus was an atheist, he was a friend of mine
We hooked up in temple, back in Roman Palestine
We became friends, it was the best of both worlds
I was good at stealin' silver, he was good at bullyin' girls
He said they're going to kill me, when we go out smokin'
I thought he meant the cigarettes, but Jesus wasn't jokin'

[Verse 2]
Mary was a pragmatist, and virgin rolled in one
One day she said to Joseph, "Joe, I think the time has come
Your boy needs to get a job, try the laundromat"
Joseph said, "He ain't my boy, I think we settled that"
Mary said something about semantics with a smile
Joe said, "I'm going drinkin', I'll be back in a little while"

[Verse 3]
I heard somebody say Jesus was a Capricorn
Jesus told me once, on the day that he was born
A giant super nova exploded in the sky
He said he didn't know, what it was supposed to signify
I lost touch with him, and he lost touch with me
The next thing I remember, he was big in Galilee

[Verse 4]
We were walkin' in the desert trading big hits from a bong
They said it was 40 days, it didn't seem that long
I was trying to talk him out of such a pointless sacrifice
He said it was the only way to get to paradise
I said, "You might be high", he said I was mistaken
But watching him die was truly heartbreaking
[Verse 6]
Jesus ascended, I guess you'd call it that
I'm down here baby, what the hell you lookin' at?
I sometimes wonder if we'd stayed friends
How that might have changed the way this party ends?
I know you all believe that Jesus was divine
But Jesus was an atheist, he was a friend of mine