[Verse 1]
Backside melts into the sofa
My world, my TV and my food
Besides listening to my belly gurgle
There ain't much else to do
Yeah, I sweat a lot
Nope, yeah, shit, uh
Pants fall down every time I bend over
My feet itch
Yeah, I married a scarecrow

[Chorus]
I hate you
Talking to myself
Everybody's staring at me
I'm only bleeding

[Verse 2]
Someone taps me on the shoulder every five minutes
No one speaks English anymore
Would anybody tell me if I was getting stupider?

[Chorus]
I hate you
Talking to myself
You don't feel it after awhile
You take the beating
[Bridge]
I'm a swingin' guy
Throw a belt over the shower curtain rod
And swing
Toss me inside a Hefty
And put me in the ground

[Verse 3]
A drink needs me
I don't
I ain't about to guzzle no tears
So kiss my ass
Newscasters and cockroaches and desserts

[Chorus]
I hate you
Talking to myself
Everybody's staring at me
I'm only bleeding, yeah

[Outro]
Where are the kids? I don't know
Maybe getting pregnant or on drugs or on welfare
On top of the world, on the honor roll, on parole
On the dodgers on the backs of milk cartons
On stakes in the middle of cornfields
On covers of future history books on old lady's mantles
Walkin' on water nailed on crosses
I think it's time I had a talk with my kids
I'll just tell 'em what my daddy told me
You ain't never gonna amount to nothin'