Don LaFontaine
(Spoken)
It's an honor to introduce a close friend of Ricky Bobby: Will Ferrell!

WILL
(Sung)
A comedian at the Oscars'
The saddest man of all
Your movies may make millions
But your name they'll never call

I guess you don't like laughter
And a smile brings you down
A comedian at the Oscars
Is the saddest, bitterest, alcoholic clown

(Spoken)
Jack Black!

JACK
Will Ferrell!

(Sung)
What did you think when
You took off your pants
And you ran around that racetrack
And did that silly dance?
What did you think?
WILL
I thought they'd love me

JACK
What, did you think that
You could change their wicked game?
Did you think when you made Anchorman
They wouldn't call it lame?
What did you think?

WILL
I thought I'd get to have dinner
With Jeremy Irons

JACK
We may not win tonight
But we shall win the ultimate fight

(Spoken)
And I'm not speaking in a metaphor, I mean literally! I am going to fight the nominees!

WILL
I like the way you're talking! I'm sick of this crap!

JACK
Hey! Leo! You think you can date supermodels and win awards? I'm going to elbow you in the Larynx!
WILL
Ryan Gosling, you're all hip and now. Well I'm going to break your hip, right now!

JACK
Hey, Peter O'Toole! You're all legendary in English, I don't care. I'm going to beat you down with my Nickelodeon Award!

WILL
Mark Wahlberg! Where are you!? I won't mess with you, you're actually kind of badass. (Beat) Once again, I hope we're cool. You are very talented

JACK
And Helen Mirren? You are just hot. What party are you going to?

JOHN
Fellas! Fellas!

WILL
Jack Black! Look, John C. Reilly!

JOHN
(Sung)
This madness must stop
There is no need to fear
You can have your cake and eat it, too
Just look at my career

I didn't cry the blues
I didn't pick silly fights
I chose to be in Boogie and
Talladega Nights!
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

So, don't just be clowns
'Cause then you're disposed
Mix it up and Oscars
Shall! Be! Yours!

JACK
(Spoken)
He's right. I'm going to re-read that script about the guy who gets lead poisoning, and sues a major corporation. There's not a laugh in there!

JOHN
Yes!

WILL
And I'm going to take that project about the guy with no arms and legs who teaches gang-bangers Hamlet!

JOHN
Now you're talking!

WILL
(Sung)
I'm going to lose 40 pounds
To play Ralph Nader

JACK
I'm going to do that gig of mine
And film with James Spader

WILL
(Spoken)
Oh, I love him!

ALL
(Sung)
So, Anthony Hopkins, you can laugh
But someday soon, you'll see
Helen Mirren and an Oscar
Will be coming home with me!
With me!
Helen Mirren will be coming home with me!