I'd like to welcome all you suckers to struggleville
Say ahh, open up and take this pill
You'll sit down in your cubicle
And eat when we tell you to and when your services are not needed here anymore you'll clean out your desk by noon
And no talking to the new kid
Security will see you all the way to the door
It's like a prison but we pay you more
So you owe us more just lock your doors and feel real safe inside
Your house is no longer a good place to hide
Hey, there's no more corner office
Or golfing with the bosses
You have a wife and kids to tell
That you got axed today and you lost your 401k
You wear your necktie noose so well
And you march just like a natural (you're natural)
You are just what we're looking for
You're perfect in every single way
So come and join our little army
Of high class, beautiful, intelligent, talented, well-adjusted, clean, listeners
You're all so clean unless you're dirty

Have you got a headache, cold, or aneurism
Working on a heart attack, with bad vision
Back hurts, can't breathe right, afraid to fall
Arthritis, hemorrhoids, high cholesterol
Embarrassed by your bad skin, not good with the ladies
Don't quite fit in, too fat, too skinny, way too tall
Bring all your problems, because this will cure them all
This will cure em all, this might cure some of them
It's ok, you're not a loser, you've just lost
You'll get used to second best when considering the cost
You have to be born first, learn, and grow up fast
Work hard, love, and then come in last, and then
Work harder, for someone else's dollar
And at the end of the day all you can do is borrow
Plastic saves lives when it's a hard hat people
It's a mad world already, you're not making it easier
We've got the cure, we made the medicine, we have your answer
It'll give you a headache, but it will fight all your cancers
So, take two of these and call me every hour
There will be some internal bleeding, so just don't shower
If you're invisible or feeling miserable this is what you need
If you feel the need to breathe and just can't quite succeed
You are the target audience indeed
First off, you have to listen really, really well
Try and discern what it is we have to sell
Just some smoke and mirrors with good looking people all around you
The way you do it is wrong, i'm glad we found you
Bait and switch, caveat emptor, fine print, fine print
So sign right here and everything else will be sent to
Your house in 12-16 weeks and depending on the postal service it might take a few more weeks
Don't worry we do this all the time
We're professionals, just make sure you read the sign

Have you got a headache, cold, or aneurism
Working on a heart attack, with bad vision
Back hurts, can't breathe right, afraid to fall
Arthritis, hemorrhoids, high cholesterol
This will cure it all
This will cure it all
This will cure it all
But just keep your reciept
There are no returns, or refunds
And I'll repeat
This will cure anything
Just remember that
Just remember that
Just remember that
Just remember that
Just believe that