I'd like to welcome
All you suckers to Struggleville
Say ahh
Open up and take this pill, you'll
Sit down in your cubicle and
Eat when we tell you to and
When your services are not needed here anymore
You'll clean out your desk by noon and
No talking to the new kid;
Security will see you all the way to the door
It's like a prison, but we pay you more
So you owe us more;
Just lock your doors and feel real safe inside
Your house is no longer a good place to hide
Hey, there's no more corner office or golfing with the bosses;
You have a wife and kids to tell that
You got axed today, and you lost your 401k
You wear your necktie noose so well
And you march, oh march just like a natural, you're natural
You are just what we're looking for; you're perfect in every single way so come and join our little army
Of high class, beautiful, intelligent, talented, well adjusted, clean, listeners;
You're all so clean unless you're dirty

[Chorus]
Have you got a headache, cold, or aneurism?
Working on a heart attack, with bad vision?
Back hurts, can't breathe right, afraid to fall?
Arthritis, hemorrhoids, high cholesterol?
Embarrassed by your bad skin, not good with the ladies, don't quite fit in; Too fat, too skinny, way too tall?
Bring all your problems
Because this will cure them all!
This will cure em all- this might cure some of them
It's ok, you're not a loser, you've just lost
You'll get used to 2nd best when considering the cost
You have to be born first, learn, and grow up fast
Work hard, love, and then come in last
And then work harder, for someone else's dollar
And at the end of the day, all you can do is borrow
Plastic saves lives when it's a hard hat, people it's a mad world already, you're not making it easier
We've got the cure, we made the medicine, we have your answer! It'll give you a headache, but it will fight all of your cancers
So, take two of these and call me every hour there will be some internal bleeding, so just don't shower
If you're invisible, or feeling miserable this is what you need!
If you feel the need to breathe, and just can't quite succeed
You are the target audience indeed
First off you have to listen really, really well
And try and discern what it is we have to sell
Just some smoke and mirrors
With good looking people all around you
The way you do it is wrong, hey, i'm glad we found you
Bait and switch,caveat emptor, fine print fine print so
Sign right here and everything else will be sent to
Your house in 12-16 weeks and
Depending on the postal service
It might take a few more weeks
Don't worry we do this all the time we're professionals
Just make sure you read the sign

[Chorus]
Have you got a headache, cold, or aneurism?
Working on a heart attack, with bad vision?
Back hurts, can't breathe right, afraid to fall?
Arthritis, hemorrhoids, high cholesterol?
This will cure it all!
This will cure it all!
This will cure it all, but just keep your receipt-
There are no returns, or refunds, and I'll repeat:
This will cure anything, just remember that
Just remember that
Just remember that
Just remember that
Just believe that