[FRANKIE]
An old man turned 98
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic
Don't you think?

[DAVID, spoken]
Hold up, wait a second!
That's actually not ironic

[STUDENT, spoken]
Right
If we are using irony as defined in Greek tragedy, I don't see how, like, a fly in your beverage applies

[DAVID, spoken]
That's not irony
That's just like shitty

[FRANKIE, spoken]
Can I please finish my piece?

[FRANKIE]
Mr. Play-It-Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought, "Well isn't this nice"
And isn't it ironic
[DAVID, spoken]
It's not though

[LILY, spoken]
It would be irony if the guy in the crash was like an airplane mechanic

[PHOENIX, spoken]
How 'bout you guys let her finish?

[FRANKIE]
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
And who would've thought—it figures!

Well, life has a funny way

[PHOENIX]
Of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay
And everything's going right

[FRANKIE]
And life has a funny way

[PHOENIX]
Of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong
And everything blows up in your face
[FRANKIE]
It's a traffic jam when you're already late

[TEACHER]
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

[PHOENIX]
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

[FRANKIE]
It's like meeting the boy of my dreams
And then meeting his...

[PHOENIX, spoken]
I'm not seeing anyone...

[FRANKIE]
And isn't it ironic
Don't you think?

[FRANKIE & PHOENIX]
A little too ironic

[PHOENIX]
Yeah, I really do think
[FRANKIE & PHOENIX]
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
And who would've thought—it figures!

[FRANKIE]
Well, life has a funny way

[PHOENIX]
Of sneaking up on you

[FRANKIE]
Yeah, life has a funny, funny way of helping you out

[FRANKIE & PHOENIX]
Helping you out