[Chorus 1: Bart Baker as Meghan Trainor]
Because this song's all about being big, suck a dick, thin people
If you are super thin, super thin, you're evil
This catchy tune's message should have been we're equal
But it shames thin women, thin women

[Verse 1: Meghan Trainor]
Yeah, it's kind of clear, I like to eat food
But I can write big hit songs, and I can sing 'em too
I see these skinny girls that get super famous
So I say, hey, why not Meghan Trainor?
I talk like I am Black even though I am white
I lived in the suburbs, I've had a perfect life
Still, there's one thing that bugs me—I don't know why
But when I see good-looking skinny people, I think they should die

[Pre-Chorus 1: Meghan Trainor, White-haired women, Juliette Kendall as Female dancer #1]
Yeah, my mama, she told me, "Don't worry about your size"
But when I see thin women, I want to gouge out their eyes
(Gouge out their eyeballs, gouge out their eyeballs)
When I hear Gwyneth Paltrow say, oh, my God, I feel so fat
I want to beat in her pretty face with a baseball bat (Whoa!)

[Chorus 2: Meghan Trainor, White-haired women, Armond Anderson-Bell as Sione Kelepi]
Now all five of us will do this dumb dance, this dumb dance (We're dancing)
These girls need haircuts bad, really bad (We can't see)
Meghan, give me a chance, just one chance to rest, please
I hired you to dance, damn it, dance
[Verse 2: Meghan Trainor, Cameron Dallas as dapper guy]
I'm bringin' booty back
Booty never left, that statement is trash!
Wow, I'm just playing, don't hate me 'cause I'm fat!
You're actually normal
Every inch of you is perfect, stop acting like a victim!

[Pre-Chorus 2: Meghan Trainor, Group of female dancers, Tiffany Tynes as Female dancer #2]
Yeah, my mama, she told me that being big is sexy
And that it turns on men, which totally validates me
(Makes me feel pretty, makes me feel pretty)
I thought this song was supposed to be 'bout loving you for you (It is)
Then why are you basing your self-worth off of pleasing dudes?

[Chorus 3: Meghan Trainor, Erin Michelle as plastic dress girl, Sam Macaroni as record executive #1, *Shea Parker as record executive #2*. Tony Horton as Himself]
Now let me reiterate it again: If you're thin, you're a bitch
That's totally not true and completely mindless
I'm actually on my way to help the homeless
Nice try, but that can't be; you're skinny
Meghan, your single "All About That Bass" is a hit! *(It's platinum!)*
It's time to lose some weight for your next *pop anthem*
But I'm about that bass, and that means I'm curvy
That's what everyone likes 'bout this song
*Now, Meghan, do you wanna be a star or a one-hit wonder?*
If you don't lose some weight, that would be a blunder
*To help you get in shape, we've brought in a trainer*
It's time to get you ripped! Let's do this!
[Outro Infomercial Skit (Video Only): Tony Horton, Meghan Trainor, Aron Reuben Korney as Announcer Voice]
Burn the bass!
Hi, I'm Tony Horton, creator of P90X, and I've got a brand-new program for slightly overweight pop stars to go from bass to treble in just 90 seconds!
It's called Treble90X!
Burn the bass! Burn it! I'm burning it! Louder now! Burn the bass!
Yeah, your mama might have told you, "Don't worry about your size," but in this cutthroat industry, yeah, your mama don't know shit
Baby, nice! Oh, that's sexy stuff right there!
I used to be "All about that bass, 'bout that bass, no treble," but now, thanks to Treble90X, I am so all about that treble! I was just hating on skinny bitches because I was jealous. Now I am one!
It worked for Meghan, and I know it'll work for you too, so get off your pop star ass and call now!
To order your copy of Treble90X, call 1-555-Poop-Fat, That's 1-555-P-O-O-P-F-A-T
Make sure to consult your closest physician if your experience any sense of uncontrollable pooping, sneezing, wheezing, rashing, heaving, dancing, prancing, whining or singing crappy self-righteous pop songs about random shit you think about when siting alone at home on a Saturday night
I know you wanna burn the bass! Come on now!