[Verse 1: Bart Baker as Andrew Taggart & Emma Fitzpatrick as Halsey]
Hey, do you remember me? I used to date you
I make music now with this weird dude
Let's bang
Okay
I forgot how good having sex with you was
On this mattress, we stole from your roommate

[Pre-Chorus 1: Andrew Taggart, Halsey & Both]
Last night was amazing
When I'm with you I feel like I'm not aging
Yeah, I feel the same
Let's get back together so we'll never age, yeah
Let's make a song about that
Can you sing?
Why yes, I can

[Chorus: Andrew Taggart, Halsey & Austin Smith as Alexander Pall, Andrew Taggart & Halsey]
Why don't we call it Closer
And make it about that Rover
That you never could afford
'Cause you're poor
Hey, don't be a jerk
Also, let's add a dumb lyric
'Bout that mattress that we stole
It has a really bad odor
We puked on it back in Boulder
[Post-Chorus 1: Andrew Taggart & Halsey]
Number one, it's our song Closer
Famous singers don't get older

[Verse 2: Andrew Taggart & Halsey]
Hey, our song has been number one for ten years
And we still haven't aged a day, weird
That is so great
Yes, we still look young, our lyrics came true
Even though we chain smoke and drink booze every day

[Pre-Chorus 2: Both, Alexander Pall, Halsey, Andrew Taggart]
It's 2046
We ain't gettin' older but you look like shit
Dicks
Now our old friends are growing bald and gray and getting saggy tits
But we still both look super hot
And still have a huge hit song

[Chorus 2: Alexander Pall, Alex Farnham as Doctor]
Enough of this delusion
Based on lyrics in our music
You've been brainwashed by our song
He's right, I am here to prove it
Take these meds, they'll make you lucid
They're anti-delusional
You have both been getting older
This dream world of yours is over
[Chorus 3: Andrew Taggart & Halsey, Jason "J Rock" Rose as Repo Man, Andrew Taggart, Mickael De Sinno as Cop, *Stanley Brown as Roommate*, (Doctor)]
But this can't be our song "Closer", said we're never getting older
I'm here to repo your Rover
You can't afford it
I told her
Hand's up, dirtbags, don't come closer
Is that your mattress from Boulder?
*Yes, it is, I am the owner*
*You jerks stole it*, we weren't sober
You're going to jail forever
(By the way, you all have lung cancer)