[Part 1: Pillowtalk]

[Verse 1: Bart Baker as ZAYN]
I am free!
I'm free from One Direction
Free to make
Songs about my erection

[Pre-Chorus 1: ZAYN, Jake Paul as Niall Horan & Neels Visser as Harry Styles]
I dyed my hair blonde and I’m wearing leather
I do what I want unlike back when
One Direction was still together
I just don't give a fuck, see I did not shave
I look like I might be stoned too
Did you notice I cussed? This is the new Zayn
We've got to stop him! Yes, we do!

[Chorus 1: ZAYN, Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Twan Kuyper as Louis Tomlinson & *Alex Farnham as Liam Payne*]
I made a song about sex!
And the vid’s getting more views than most 1D vids do
What's up with these effects?
Whoever's editing this is on something
Is that a bouquet?
*And what's with your spike face?*
Why don't you have clothes on?
Whoever made this is a moron
*I just can't believe Zayn made a sex song*
[Verse 2: ZAYN]
I'm adult
And now that I have proved it
If I want, to do something I'll do it

[Pre-Chorus 2: ZAYN, Harry Styles, Niall Horan, & Liam Payne]
I’ll stay up all night watching the TV
It’s past 1 am! Who's that hot chick?
He’s watching an R-rated movie! Ugh
Now that I'm an adult I'm going to vape
I even got a face tattoo

[Chorus 2: Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson & Liam Payne]
I can't believe Zayn did this!
He was from a pop boy band
Now he acts like a grown man
And he’s got a huge hit
I guess it can pay off to be an adult
Maybe we should grow up, do all that grown-up stuff
I say yes, what the heck?
Just wait 'til Zayn sees what 1D do next
Maybe we all could even try having sex!

[Part 2: Grown Up Being Bad]

[Verse: One Direction]
We're four boys being bad
Gonna stay up late, gonna play grab ass
We got guns, drugs, and face tats
We're grown up, being bad!
[Skit: Harry Styles, Niall Horan, ZAYN, One Direction]
I don't understand. Why isn't our video blowing up like Zayn's?
Everybody hates it! We're losing all our fans!
Wow! You guys are real, fucking idiots!
Oh, and by the way, this isn't even a real tattoo
1D? More like Dumb-D!
AHHHHH!

[Outro: One Direction]
We're grown up, being bad!