[Intro: Bart Baker as Iggy Azalea, Jessica Lesaca as Ariana Grande]
Heh…
It's Iggy Iggz
I look like a dude dressed as a girl
(That's a major problem)

[Verse 1: Ariana Grande]
Hey kids, do you remember me from Nickelodeon?
I got thin
But don't worry, I'm still just as dumb
Actually more 'cause now I'm vegan
When my body's sideways, you cannot see me
All this over-sexual dancing just doesn't suit me
I look like I'm ten

[Pre-Chorus 1: Ariana Grande]
My skirt is so short I might as well be naked
All of my views are from horny dudes spankin'

[Chorus 1: KingBach as Big Sean, Ariana Grande]
Random black guy whispering
I'm a random black guy whispering
Why is this so zoomed in on my teeth?
Can you please zoom out, dude? (Zoom back in)
There's broccoli stuck in my teeth
I got rib meat stuck between my teeth
So please stop zooming in on my teeth
Big Sean, you need to start flossing
[Verse 2: Ariana Grande, Alx James as an outspoken dancer, GSnaps as Mariah Carey]
I swear that I'm totally unique
Nobody's like me (Girl please, that's not true)
Your voice is a damn carbon copy of Mariah Carey
Hey, screw you
What he said is a fact
Bitch, just admit that
You're clearly trying to steal my massive appeal
Aren't you eighty-two?

[Pre-Chorus 2: Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande]
I can sing higher
Oh yeah? Prove it, grandma!
AHHHH-AHHHH!
AHHHH-AHHHH!
AHHHH-AHHHH!
AHHHH—

[Interlude Skit: Alx James as an outspoken dancer]
Stop!
Both of your voices are way too high and annoying as fuck
So would you please shut the hell up
Before you blow everybody's eardrums out
Damn!

[Chorus 2: Big Sean]
Stop zooming in on my mouth
I am getting really annoyed now
That's it, I am pulling my piece out
Zoom in one more time, I dare you!
[Verse 3: Iggy Azalea]
It's Iggy Iggz
Uh! My balls just dropped
Wake up in the morning, dip my face in a plate of cream
This set looks like a Tim Burton sex dream
My hair is bigger than my huge butt in this video
My voice sounds like I am rapping through a hole in my throat
Iggy Iggy, too biggie to be confessin'
That I'm actually a big black dude who go into cross dressin'
Seeing my real face would make you vomit in a bucket
I think that dude in the back must have just Googled that shit
Didn't have enough makeup to cover up my black skin
So I dug up Steve Jobs' coffin and stole his sweater from him
Have you noticed the backdrop that's been here all along?
We've been hypnotizing ya'll to like this song, like what!

[Bridge: Ariana Grande]
We're hypnotizing you
Buy this song on iTunes

[Pre-Chorus 3: Ariana Grande, Bart Baker as Ariana Grande's dad]
People say my name reminds them of Starbucks
That's because my dad's a Grande coffee cup
Hi, sweetheart
Hi, daddy
[Chorus 3: Ben Loescher as Barista #1, James Demuth as Barista #2, Ariana Grande, Stevie Dore as Ariana Venti]
Sorry Ariana, you're through
You're getting old, almost twenty-two
And we need someone bigger than you
Wait, what the hell are you saying?
You need to get an upgrade
Well, actually, totally replaced
Say hi to Ariana Venti
I sing even higher than you
Noooooooo...

[Outro Skit: Big Sean]
Holy shit!
That video sucked!
The worst ending ever!
All you did is replace one bitch with another bitch
Hey, you just zoomed in on my mouth again?!
Aight! That's it!
You one dead motherfucker!