[Verse 1: Bart Baker as Shawn Mendes]
I am pretty and seventeen
I have no clue what heartbreak even means
But I made this song about it
After my girl dumped me, that cold-hearted witch

[Pre-Chorus: Shawn Mendes & Vic Pirnik as John Cena]
What was that? It felt like I just got punched
Your ex-girlfriend sent me to kick your butt!
She said, make sure he needs to get stitched up
That hurts!

[Chorus: Shawn Mendes & John Cena]
She took this song too literally
I meant stitches metaphorically
Wasn't it enough that she left me?
Now she wants me to bleed
Who is that hitting me?
Here's a clue
I say "You can't see me!"
I wrestle men in big arenas
Um, are your John Cena?
Yep!

[Verse 2: Shawn Mendes & John Cena]
What did I do to deserve this?
On her birthday you got her nothing you dick!
Instead, you got yourself this car!
I needed to look more badass
And that's why I'm kicking your ass!
[Pre-Chorus: Shawn Mendes, Ben Loescher as Kylo Ren]
Someone save me from this wrestler dude!
Now you'll learn the power of the Dark Side
Don't tell me my ex also sent you
That's right

[Chorus: Kylo Ren, Shawn Mendes, Alex Farnham as Harry Potter, & Dillon Peddicord as Cupid]
Remember
On this past Christmas Day
You got her nothing, now you must pay
Instead, you got that dumb jacket!
Hey, I look badass in it
How dare you be so selfish
Ouch! Stop that!
She was being a bitch!
You see the power of The Force now
Who's poking my ass? Ow!
'Twas me, Harry Potter
Your ex-girlfriend is my witch daughter
I'm gonna
Take my broom from Quidditch
And beat your butt with it!
Valentine's Day's coming
Got to turn this pain to loving
This brutal violence is senseless
I must save Shawn Mendes

[Outro Skit: Kylo Ren, Cupid, Harry Potter, & Shawn Mendes]
Hmm
Harry Potter, would you care to make love?
Strangely, yes, I would!
Shawn Mendes, would you care to make with us both?
Ew! No!
You will join this threesome
I will join this threesome
You're gonna need stitches after this, Shawn Mendes!
Hahahahahahahaha!