[Verse 1: Bart Baker as Justin Bieber, Rebecca Mansueto as Selena Gomez, & Zach Paul Brown as Ed Sheeran]
This is a song that I "wrote" about my ex
Yeah that’s right it’s me, it’s Selena Gomez
Even though we broke up I still want to have sex
No!
Then why the hell are you still here in my bed?
Good question!
This sounds just like an Ed Sheeran song
Cos I’m too busy apologizing to write songs alone so called this red-haired weirdo
Cos he knows how to write a hit
Even though he looks like a drunk troll doll and Rupert Grint
Hooked up and a had a kid
Justin said, "Ed, let’s write a tune, it will be fun"
And I knew if it was a hit I’d make a ton
So even though he’s kind of a douche
I wrote him this pretty song but he’s so dumb
He got the meaning of it wrong


[Chorus: Justin Bieber]
What do you mean?
I know what it’s about
It’s about learning how to love yourself
Because sometimes
You can’t
Convince your ex to bone you
So you have to love yourself
[Verse 2: Justin Bieber, Ed Sheeran, & Michele Marotta as the Maid]
I need to find myself some privacy
Cos I can’t wait to get back to loving me
Are you serious?
Dude the lyric "Love yourself" doesn’t mean masturbate
Ai, yi, yi!
Mister Bieber!
Oh my God, it’s the maid!
Guess, I better put my dong away
Now my maid is traumatized so I better give her a big tip
I already got it
Shit, now all of my lotions’ gone
And my hand’s dry so I need something to rub my dick with
Hey, I’ll check the kitchen

[Pre-Chorus: Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, & Ed Sheeran]
If you’re coming in here, you better not be n***
I’m just looking for something I can use as lube
Justin, that’s not what this song’s about!
By the way why are you still here in my house?
Good question!
Listen see, this song is about-


[Chorus: Maid, Alex Farnham as Justin's Dad, & James Brassard as the Window Washer]
I’m sorry that I screamed, I’ve changed my mind
Mister Bieber, show me your ding-a-ling
What the hell!?
Justin, surprise
It’s me
Your dad, I need more money
Damn, what do you feed that thing!?
Wow!

[Bridge: Justin Bieber, Justin's Dad, & Maid]
Dad, please stop staring at my cock and balls
It’s not fair yours is so big mine is so small
Dad, that’s really weird
Aren’t you kind of scared of that thing?
No, not at all
Oh, my God
I think I finally understand this song

[Chorus: Maid, Ed Sheeran, Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber]
Mister Bieber, you can have sex with me
Cos then you will not have to love yourself
This moron still does not understand this song’s lyrics
Argh, I want to kill myself!
Justin, I’ve decided we should get back together
I love you and no one else
Selena, you’re a bitch and I found someone better, so you can go fuck yourself

[Outro Skit: Justin Bieber, Justin's Dad, Maid, & Ed Sheeran]
I finally understand the true meaning of this song
It means you should fall in love with yourself
And in turn, be sexually aroused by your own reflection
Hey, yo, Dad!
Yeah, son?
Hand me your lube!
Hell yeah!
I’ma be here for a while
I watch! I watch!
God damn it!
No, that’s not what this is about, Justin!
I can’t take this anymore!
You know what this song is not even about Selena Gomez
I’m going back to England!
Baby, baby, baby, ahhh, ohh!
Aai-chiwawa!