[Intro: Bart Baker as Meghan Trainor]
Everything about this is no

[Chorus: Bart Baker as Miley Cyrus, Kayla Janssen as Dancer 1, Mandy Newsome as Dancer 2, *Natasha DuVall as Dancer 3*, All Dancers]
This song is no, This vid is no
My dancing is no, Plus it looks and sounds old
Like something Britney Spears did 15 years ago
What's with your new look it's straight up no!
Your hair is no, Your clothes are no
*Your makeup is no*, your stylist really blows
Did she pick out that coat?, *You should let her go*
You look like a leprechaun girl
No!

[Verse 1: Bart Baker as Meghan Trainor]
I wanted to do something that was new
Change the way people thought about me
So I dyed my hair, changed the clothes I wear
And learned some lame choreography
Then I discarded, the sound that made me big
Nineteen-fifties bubble gum doo-wop
For a sound that straight rips off N'SYNC and Britney Spears-style pop

[Pre-Chorus: Bart Baker as Meghan Trainor]
There's a message in this song
It's a feminist anthem
And the message is any time a man talks to you say
[Chorus: Bart Baker as Meghan Trainor, Justin Carbonari as Janitor 1, Mike McNeal as Janitor 2, & Jerry Gregorio as Janitor 3]
Excuse me, No!, We're here to-No!
We need to clean, No!
We need to clean the floor!, We are the janitors!
I guess we should just start
Quit hitting on me jerks I said no!
We'll start here, No!, Be careful!, No!
The floor is wet!, No!
Miss Trainor-,I said no!, But you're dancing too close!
You're going to slip, No!
Quit asking me out guys, I said no-AHHHHH!

[Verse 2: Bart Baker as Meghan Trainor & Shanae Cole
As Dancer 4]
Every guy I see tries hitting on me
I'm sick of it that's why I'm mean to them
But that sounds arrogant!!, No, you don't understand
The effect my body has on men
All these girls with me are totally skinny
Which is weird because my biggest song
Is about positive body image for overweight girls

[Pre-Chorus: Shea Parker as VP 1, George Kimmel as VP 2, Ben Loescher as VP 3, & Bart Baker as Meghan Trainor]
Meghan, we're senior VP's
At your record company
We're concerned about this
No, stop trying to hit on me!
[Chorus: Shea Parker as VP 1, George Kimmel as VP 2, Ben Loescher as VP 3, & Bart Baker as Meghan Trainor]
Now we think-No!, This song's too-No!
It's not a hit!, No!, You need to re-record
And maybe write some more, Songs like you did before
I'm not going out with you assholes!
I don't want-No!, I'm married!, No!
Meghan, I'm gay!, No!
Shut up leave me alone!
But Meghan-I said no!, You're not taking me home!
What's wrong with her!?, She's delusional!

[Pre-Chorus: Bart Baker as Meghan Trainor]
All men are good for nothing
If you see one run and scream
Can someone help me open this jar, it's totally stuck?

[Interlude: Bart Baker as Meghan Trainor & Employee]
No!
What?
NO!
Meghan plea-
NO!!, NO!!
I tried to help!

[Chorus: Alex Farnham as Doctor & Bart Baker as Meghan Trainor]
Results are back from tests we ran on your blood Meghan
And we have determined you're actually a man
That can't be!, Yes it can!
If I'm a man then I must say no!
To my hands, No!, To my feet, No!
To my elbows, No!, To myself as a whole!
She is losing control!, she is gonna blow!
No n-n-no n-n-no no-N-argh!
[Outro Skit: Alex Farnham as Doctor]
Oh wait, my graph was upside-down
She actually was a woman
Sorry
Sorry, Meghan
Oops