He's so proud of the books that he's never read
'cause there are so many books that he's never read
'Cause that's how doubts climb into your head
And make you think funny thoughts when you're lying in bed

Now he's got a philosophy
He's got a simple rule
A motto, a creed:
Big Words Make the Baby Jesus Cry

There once was a woman who had nothin' to say
But she still felt the need to say it anyway
Never understood why people stayed away
She said the newspapers are filled with lies
Planted by gay Muslim Jewish spies
Atheists run the public schools
While Communists piss into the public pools
No matter the facts, 'cause this is the truth

Now she's got a philosophy
She's got a simple rule
A motto, a creed:
Big Words Make the Baby Jesus Cry

Big words are the enemy
Report big words to the authorities
Big words are the things that bandits say
If you hear a big word run the other way
Big words lead you down a crooked path
To William Faulkner and Sylvia Plath
When you use a big word you commit a sin
When you use a big word the terrorists win
Tonight half the country will go out to a show
It's a movie written by a five-year old
About a brave puppy and the kitten he saves
It's no wonder James Thurber spins in his grave

Now we've got a philosophy
We've got a simple rule
A motto, a creed:
Big Words Make the Baby Jesus Cry

Now we've go a philosophy
We've got a simple rule
A motto, a creed:
Big Words Make the Baby Jesus Cry