[Intro: Patrick Karneigh Junior]
Right, it’s Patrick Karneigh Junior, Norman Pain and Kev (Woo)

[Verse 1: Patrick Karneigh Junior & Norman Pain]
My wife’s got a Bichon Frisé with a sex addiction and it’s hard to walk him in the park
Every other dog we see gets chased and pinned, and fucked and licked in the arse
My grandson’s smoking weed in his bedroom, texting girls photos of his cock (Jesus)
Fuck (Huh), if her dad comes 'round then I’ll smash his car with a rock

[Verse 2: Norman Pain]
Big old balls, they drag me down
You’ll find me dancing 'round sexy town
Red light district, peddling around
And then I get mugged and my pants turn brown
Bachelor pad, covered in spaff
Dorito crumbs all up in my bath
Flaking skin on my head (Huh)
Sunburnt flesh, let it shed (Yes)

[Verse 3: Patrick Karneigh Junior]
Wake up Sunday, wife just punched me, said she’s hungry, gotta go cook
Wi-Fi’s broken, so I gotta watch my porn in the form of comic books
Brother, look, wank myself with a single finger, Captain Hook
Then I go smoke my pipe with a random man in a dark and weary nook

[Verse 4: Norman Pain]
Bought a transgender man two pints
Can I get lucky and fist him tonight?
Constrict my cock with a pink hair tie
Not too tight, no, I don’t wanna die
Used to have a dog, his name was Francis
Then he ran away, what a selfish bastard
Now I’ve got a cat and his name is Patrick
PKJ got jealous and attacked it
[Chorus: Patrick Karneigh Junior & Norman Pain, Patrick Karneigh Junior]
When I say hi, I get shut down
When I’m outside, I get stressed out
When I got people around, I’m anxious
Nobody likes me, what the fuck now?
When I say hi, I get shut down
When I’m outside, I get stressed out
When I got people around, I’m anxious (Okay)
Nobody likes me, what the fuck now?

[Verse 5: Patrick Karneigh Junior]
Call me the neighbour’s name when you fuck me, you ain’t gotta kiss me, you ain’t gotta hug me (Please)
Shit, I mean really, just do something, please just touch me
I don’t wanna go to my nephew’s birthday, his friends play rugby, they might just hurt me (Yeah)
Last time they just kicked my shins and spat on my Christmas turkey (Yeah)

[Verse 6: Norman Pain]
Hit another spliff and I feel alright
Then I hit another line, I convulse and fly (Mm)
Rip out my heart, left open wide
Jump on the back of my ex and pipe (Pipe)
I’m like "Hello?", I’m like "Hi"
"Do you want a back rub? Do you wanna die?" (Hah)
"Do you wanna catch up? Do you wanna cry?"
"Do you wanna slice of the painful pie?"
[Verse 7: Patrick Karneigh Junior]
Wife’s got a best-friend, her name’s Sandy
She’s got a husband, his name’s Andy
I like to picture them when they fuck
And imagine that her ass tastes sweet like candy
Who’s got a camera? Wanna take a picture?
Got a good shot of my best-friend’s sister
She’s bent down with her hand on red
Rock hard in the middle of a game of Twister

[Verse 8: Norman Pain]
I play the horns, the horns of death (Death)
A girl said "Hi.", now I’m obsessed (Hi)
Stick it in the wank bank, back to the nest
Then it’s candlelight, lay back and caress (Buh)
I’m not alone, the voice in my head
Tells me I’m handsome and great in bed (Yes)
When you got chocolate, who needs sex?
I can just wank to a text instead

[Chorus: Patrick Karneigh Junior & Norman Pain, Patrick Karneigh Junior, Norman Pain]
When I say hi, I get shut down
When I’m outside, (Woo) I get stressed out (Oh yeah)
When I got people around, I’m anxious
Nobody likes me, (Ugh) what the fuck now?
When I say hi, I get shut down
When I’m outside, I get stressed out
When I got people around, I’m anxious
Nobody likes me, what the fuck now? (Hah)
[Outro: Patrick Karneigh Junior]
Oh yeah, alright, oh yeah, alright, oh yeah, alright