My momma’s harder than a bag if fucking nails
The hardest fucking mother in the whole of South Wales 
You can’t take my pocket money or my last Malteser
Cause my mum will beat your ass when she next sees ya
A mean clean mother when she’s on a Dyson
And she’ll bite your ear off like Mike Tyson
If you mess with me or my sisters or my brothers
Yours gonna get a visit late at night from my mother

Heres a little story about a cart like me
A kid punched me in nursery 
Told my mum coz that’s the rules 
She gripped his father by the family jewels
Round kicked his mother at the gates
She needs stitches and metal plates
She battered the police when they turned up 
Coz with my mother you don’t fuck

Yo my mother my mother
My mother my mother
My mother my mother
Talking about my mother

Don’t get out of line parking at parking spaces
Any queue jumpers she smashes in their faces
I never got bullied when I was at comprehensive
My mother came down and skewered the bullies on the fences
Don’t step to me when you fucking want some
My mother’s got a death with like Charley Bronson
I think I should say I mean I think I should boast
My mother’s got respect from close to close
I bought my mum flowers and TV quick
But let me tell you she don’t take shit
She’e quite strict I got to admit
And you better run if she has a fit
So let me just lay it on the table
She’s psychotic and quite unstable
Don’t get me wrong she’s not that bad
Except last week when she stabbed my dad

Yo my mother my mother
My mother my mother
My mother my mother
Talking about my mother

My momma got a nice range of cake
Don’t buy snickers gets a cheap Aldi fake
I never leave the seat wet coz the toilet’s always clean
Got the best three piece suite I’ve ever see
I bet you think I’m gonna rap about her in a fight
But the fact of the matter is she’s actually polite
She don’t take drugs apart from blood pressure pills
And watches Antiques Roadshow when she’s looking for thrills

Yo I got something to say
That I got a crazy mother from a round the way
If there’s a book club yo she’s in it 
And she can clean a room in less than a minute
With aright left right left she’s ruthless
She wears dentures coz she’s toothless
My mother she’s loved by my mateys 
She had a wicked perm in the eighties
She loves playing bridge and going to choir
I’ll probably find her dead one day by the fire
At eleven am she’s still in her pyjamas
She loves watching Countdown and costume dramas
In the afternoon she likes to take a nap
But don’t mess with my mam coz she don’t take no crap
Seriously she’s had two hip replacements
She don’t like spicy food but she does like museums

Now she’s the type of mother that don’t drive fast
She likes to talk about the weather forecast
M U M is the way that we are spelling
Don’t mess with us or we’ll be telling

Mumma Mumma thats’s who we’re telling 
Mess with my mother your gonna pay the penalty 
Mumma Mumma thats’s who we’re telling 
She can bake a cake and she doesn’t need a recipe

My mother’s wicked on mother’s day my mother is wicked on birthdays 
She’s wicked on a Tuesday my mother is wicked on, on Christmas
My mother is wicked on new years eve
My mother is wicked on any day of the week
And you can ask her is she wicked and she’ll say yeah she’s wicked
Coz that’s what it is mate
Sometimes I give my mother like a hug and a kiss
Like all holding squeezing her and all love
My mum’s lush and when she’s bit older I recon she could have a purple rinse
Or a blur rinse like a proper mother
Don’t fuck with her coz she will fuck you up ani’t it