[Intro]

[Verse 1]
As he sidled over to her with a glass of red in hand
She prepared herself for all the usual lines
'Have you ever been aboard a yacht? Do you know I'm in a band?'
Drop 'em blossom's sure moved with the times

She said, 'Let me guess about you, let me read your palms
Maybe take a look inside your hand'
'Yes, I could've been a singer; yes, I had the songs'
'Bet they signed some other shitty group instead'

[Chorus]
So please don't say you're in a band or tell me about your yacht
I certainly don't require a guided tour
I'm a woman in her 40's who's been right round the block
It's likely that I've heard your tale before

[Verse 2]
'I hear you've kept a pair of boxer shorts from all your previous dates
You know that, to a stranger, that sounds mad'
'But I don't want you to leave here and go telling all your mates
See, I've just two pairs and one of them's your dad's'

And she caught her mate's attention as he walked off in disgust
Held her glass up high, proposed a toast
When every fella here at party fills you with mistrust
Let's raise a cheer to those we pissed off most
[Chorus]
So please don't say you're in a band or tell me about your yacht
I certainly don't require a guided tour
I'm a woman in her 40's who's been right round the block
It's likely that I've heard your tale before

[Bridge]
Yes, I went to school with Rooney; yes, I played in same school team
Yes, I played defence with him up front
And I bet you got some injury that put paid to all your dreams
Never that you kicked it like a cunt

[Instrumental]

[Verse 3]
I took her hand, took her outside and flashed my Tipp-Ex teeth
And pointed out that this was all fields once
She calmed herself, pulled in her chest, and a decibel beneath
Said, 'Everywhere was all fields once, you ponce!'

Everywhere was beautiful before your plastic smile
Came and sold our land off to the banks
Now the green belt of London's down to the very last square mile
And it's cunts like you the nation's got to thank

[Chorus]
So please don't say you're in a band or tell me about your yacht
I certainly don't require a guided tour
I'm a woman in her 40's who's been right round the block
It's likely that I've heard your tale before