Good morning, John, it's very nearly Thanksgiving here in these United States of America. According to Green family tradition, it's now time for me to tell you what I'm thankful for, which is a wonderful brother who is a brilliant writer, an awesome bunch of people who watch me make a fool out of myself on YouTube, an amazing family and a loving wife who will carry my dead weight through all of Super Mario Brothers Wii.

Now that my obligation to my mother, who I love and am thankful for, has been fulfilled, I wanted to provide a service for the Google-searching population of the world.

At Google I typed in 'Why-Are-space' and I'm going to answer the top most searched for question for every single letter of our alphabet right now starting now.

"Why are Asians so smart?" Well first, even positive stereotypes are stereotypes so you should be ashamed of yourself. But I actually have theory on this subject, I think that generally, Asian-American culture values smartness and I think that our values as individuals and as members of broader cultures have a huge effect on what sort of people we end up becoming.

Now, "why are barns red?" When farmers were treating their wood hundreds of years ago they were doing what materials they had in hand and one of the materials that they had at hand was rust and rust is a fungicide. And put that in the paint and it would prevent the wood from rotting. It also turned the wood kind of a rusty, red brown color.

"Why are Cuban cigars illegal?" 50 years ago, the Communist Cuban government decided that they owned all of the land that Americans owned in Cuba and so they just took it. America was all "No, give it back." And then Cuba was like "Plttthhh" and then America was like, "Fine, then we're never gonna buy anything from you ever again."

"Why are Dina and Caroline fighting?" You know I have no idea who those people are but I'm just gonna venture a guess that it's because they're not imagining each other complexly.

"Why are enzymes important?" Because every living thing in our planet is basically just a series of chemical reactions and those chemical reactions are facilitated by, that's right, you guessed it: enzymes.

"Why are flamingos pink?" Because the food that they eat is pink.

"Why are grapes bad for dogs?" No one knows why grapes are bad for dogs, but it's important to note that they are. Do not give your dogs grapes and if they eat a bunch of grapes take them to the vet.

"Why are Jews liberal?" Really?

"Why are Kardashians famous?" So here's the thing about fame. We decide who's famous, I've decided that they aren't so the Kardashians aren't famous. Cardassians are famous, they're infamous in fact.

"Why are leaves green?" 'Cause they packed full of chlorophyll!
"Why are manhole covers round?" Well, 1) because sewers are round and 2) so that the manhole covers can't fall into the sewer and 3) to give douchebags an annoying and meaningless question to ask in job interviews.

"Why are noble gasses unreactive?" Because their electron orbitals are filled. Duh.

"Why are oceans salty?" Fresh water falls on land and then as it runs down rivers it picks up tiny amounts of salt and then it gets to the oceans where it evaporates up and the salt stays behind. Fresh water comes up, more salt gets washed into the ocean. Over eons and eons salt builds up in the ocean.

"Why are plants green?" Already did that one.

"Why are Q-tips called Q-tips?" The Q stands for quality!

"Why are Republicans stupid?" Oh, come on, people!

"Why are significant figures important?" 'Cause measurement is entirely useless without knowledge of the precision at which you are measuring.

"Why are they called carpetbaggers?" That's weird. Bring back the science!

"Why are unions bad?" Who told you unions were bad??

"Why are veins blue?" They aren't blue. And neither is de-oxygenated blood. The subcutaneous fat in our skin actually blocks red light from escaping so you only see the blue light that's coming off of the veins. Ha! Interesting!

"Why are we here?" Oh, lord, you're asking Google??

"Why are yawns contagious?" *yawning* No one has any idea actually.

"Why are zombies so popular?" Well, dear Googler, my opinion is because the myth of the zombie allows us to do metaphorical battle with things that we cannot battle in real life such as disease and decay and violence. And the inevitable evacuation of ourselves from our bodies.
John, I will see you on MondayWednesdayFriday.