OPENING CREDITS
CUT TO: TAXI
Deadpool sits in the back of a taxi cab. He takes a pamphlet for ‘Haunted Segway Tours’, folds it up, and puts it in his pocket. He plays with the window. He puts his finger in some gum on the ceiling. He tries flicking it off, but it ends up on the camera lense. He picks it off. Cut to the taxi driver. Suddenly, Deadpool sticks his head up front.
DEADPOOL: Kinda lonesome back here.
He begins climbing up into the passenger seat, grunting.
DEADPOOL: Little help?
DOPINDER: Sir, I have to keep my hands on the wheel.
DEADPOOL: Excuse me.
He finishes climbing into the seat and rights himself. The cabbie extends his hand.
DOPINDER: Dopinder.
DEADPOOL: Pool. Dead.
They shake hands. Deadpool notices a picture of a woman on Dopinder’s dashboard.
DEADPOOL: Mmm. Nice.
DOPINDER: Smells good, no?
DEADPOOL: Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl.
DOPINDER: Ah, yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. She would have made me a very agreeable wife, but, um… Gita’s heart has been stolen by my cousin Bantu. He is as dishonorable as he is attractive.
DEADPOOL: Dopinder, I’m starting to think there’s a reason I’m in this cab today.
DOPINDER: Yes, sir, you called for it, remember?
DEADPOOL: No, my slender, brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the whole world tastes like Daffodil Daydream.
DOPINDER: Mmm.
DEADPOOL: So you gotta hold onto love. Tight!
Deadpool makes a fist. Dopinder copies him.
DEADPOOL: And never let go. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Got it?
Dopinder nods.
DOPINDER: Yes.
DEADPOOL: Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga.
DOPINDER: Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like?
DEADPOOL: Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.
DOPINDER: Okay, stop.
DEADPOOL: I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it’s bad.
DOPINDER: It’s bad. Uh, why the fancy red suit Mr. Pool?
DEADPOOL: Oh, that’s because it’s Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I’m after someone on my naughty list. I’ve been waiting one year, three weeks, six days, and oh…
He checks his Adventure Time watch.
DEADPOOL: Fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
DOPINDER: And what did he do to you?
DEADPOOL: This shit.
Deadpool lifts up his mask, revealing his horribly scarred face.
DEADPOOL: Boo!
CUT TO: AIRPORT RUNWAY
Francis sits on top of a crate. A helicopter lands a few yards away. Some men get off. One in particular approaches him. Francis smiles and taps on a crate, standing up.
FRANCIS: They won’t disappoint.
MAN: They better not. What about next month’s shipment?
FRANCIS: There won’t be one. You’re not the only one with a war to win.
MAN: That won’t do.
FRANCIS: See, we’ve had this small disruption to our supply chain.
Francis grabs the man by the throat and lifts him into the air.
FRANCIS: We’d appreciate your patience.
MAN: Okay!
FRANCIS: We’ll deliver in full the following month.
Francis drops the man, who chokes a little.
FRANCIS: Pleasure doing business with you.
He walks away. He and his men leave.
MAN: Fucking mutant.
Some men grab the crates. Francis’s convoy drives off.
CUT TO: TAXI
Deadpool begins patting his costume, looking for something. He looks in the backseat.
DEADPOOL: Aw, shit! I forgot my ammo bag!
DOPINDER: Shall we turn back?
DEADPOOL: Nope, no time. Fuck it. I got this. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve bullets, or bust. We’re here!
Dopinder slams on the breaks. They’re on the middle of a bridge over a highway.
DOPINDER: That’s uh, twenty seven fifty.
DEADPOOL: I, I never carry a wallet while I’m working. Ruins the lines of my suit.
DOPINDER: Oh.
DEADPOOL: But, uh, how ‘bout a crisp high-five!
DOPINDER: Okay.
The high-five.
DEADPOOL: Merry Christmas.
DOPINDER: And a convival Tuesday in April to you too, Mr. Pool!
Deadpool gets out of the cab. Cut to him sitting on the side of the bridge. He’s listening to music and coloring a picture with crayons. Deadpool sings along. We see that the picture he’s drawing is him shooting Francis in the head. He then turns his head to the camera.
DEADPOOL: Wha- Oh! Oh, hello. I know, right? Who’s balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can’t tell you, but it does rhyme with Pullverine. And let me tell you; (In an Australian accent) he’s got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix, and - oh! Bad guys to kill.
Deadpool spots Francis’s convoy.
DEADPOOL: Maximum effort.
He walks off of the side of the bridge, landing in one of the cars in the convoy. He beats all of the men in the car, sending one flying out the back, and barely holding on. Deadpool laughs at him. One of the men takes his head and slams it into a car seat.
DEADPOOL: Rich, corinthian leather.
He beats the man holding him down and snaps his neck.
DEADPOOL: I’m looking for Francis. Have you seen this man?
He holds up his crayon drawing. The man repeatedly shoves Deadpool’s head into the car radio, changing the channel. Someone rides up on a motorcycle next to the car. They fire into the car indiscriminately, killing everyone but Deadpool and the driver. Deadpool kicks the door open, sending the person on the motorcycle flying. The guy holding on to the back of the car starts to pull himself up. Deadpool holds the gas pedal down, and they crash into the car in front of them. Deadpool places both of the men in headlocks. He takes out the cigarette lighter, brand’s one of the men’s foreheads, and shoves it into the man’s mouth, holding his jaw shut.
DEADPOOL: I’ve never said this, but don’t swallow.
Another car pulls up beside them. Inside, men are prepared to shoot. Deadpool swerves the car, causing it to flip and crash. In front of the car, a man on a motorcycle begins shooting. As the car flips, Deadpool grabs the man on the motorcycle by the waist, pulling him into the spinning wreck. Everything slows down for a moment.
DEADPOOL: Shit. Did I leave the stove on?
Everything returns to normal speed. A chain slices the biker’s head off. Another man is sent flying, crashing into a highway sign. Bodies fall out of the car. Finally, the car comes to a stop.
CUT TO: THE X-MANSION
Wide shot of the mansion.
REPORTER: Now, breaking news: A multi car collision turns shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. Gridlock has kept police from the scene.
Cut to the kitchen. Colossus is eating cereal and watching the news.
REPORTER: Residents are advised to remain in their homes the assailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing a red suit.
COLOSSUS: Red suit.
He slams his hands on the table, and stands up.
COLOSSUS: Deadpool. Negasonic! Come. We have mission.
Cut to elsewhere in the mansion. Colossus and Negasonic approach a door, which opens automatically.
NEGASONIC: Colossus, wait up.
They approach a plane in the hangar.
COLOSSUS: I’ve given Deadpool every chance to join us. But he’d rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-man?
NEGASONIC: Which benefits, the matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?
COLOSSUS: Please. House blowing up builds character. You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. Here. Protein bar. Good for bones.
He hands her a protein bar.
COLOSSUS: Deadpool may try to break yours.
The plane takes off from the mansion.
CUT TO: HIGHWAY
A number of men get out of their cars with guns and approach the car that Deadpool is in. He rolls down the window and pops his head up.
DEADPOOL: Hey! Oh!
The men begin shooting at him. He puts his dead back down. After a moment they stop. Some of them exchange glances and they all approach the car. Deadpool throws his hands up.
DEADPOOL: Wait! You may be wondering, why the red suit? Well, that’s so bad guys can’t see me bleed. This guy’s got the right idea.
Deadpool points to one of the men.
DEADPOOL: He wore the brown pants.
The man shoots at the car for a moment. Deadpool puts his hands down.
DEADPOOL: Fine! I only have twelve bullets, so you’re going to have to share. Let’s count ‘em down.
He jumps into the air, quickly firing off two shots. The casings say 12 and 11. Two men get shot in the head. The men begin shooting again. One rides past on a motorcycle, shooting as he goes. Deadpool looks down at his arm.
DEADPOOL: Shit.
He holds his arm up, revealing a bullet hole going straight through. Through the hole, he sees the motorcycle coming back.
DEADPOOL: Mother fucker! Ten. (He shoots and misses). Shit! Nine. (He shoots and misses). Fuck! Eight. (He shoots and misses). Shit fuck!
He leaps over the car and takes aim, but loses his chance at a good shot.
DEADPOOL: Bad Deadpool.
He notices one of the men sneaking around the car, unaware that Deadpool is no longer there. Deadpool shoots him in the head.
DEADPOOL: Seven. Good Deadpool.
Another man begins shooting at him. Deadpool hides behind a car. The man reloads. The man shoots some more, then jumps on top of the car to find Deadpool seductively posed. He tries to shoot, but his gun just clicks.
DEADPOOL: Someone’s not counting.
He shoots the man in the head.
DEADPOOL: Six.
A pair of men approaches. One begins to throw a grenade. Deadpool shoots it while it’s still in the man’s hand, causing it to explode and kill both men. The bullet casing says five on it. Deadpool does a celebratory dance. Someone sneaks up behind him and shoots him. Deadpool lies on the ground, pretending to be dead. The man approaches.
DEADPOOL: Four.
He shoots the man from between his legs. He gets up, groaning.
DEADPOOL: Ah! Right up main street.
He walks up to the man he just shot and shoots him twice.
DEADPOOL Three! Two! Stupid! Worth it.
Some more men begin shooting at him. He ducks behind another car. Three men approach. Deadpool jumps over the car and shoots a single bullet, which goes through all three of their heads. The casing says one. Deadpool smells the smoke from his guns.
DEADPOOL: Ooh. I’m touching myself tonight.
Deadpool begins prancing through the wreckage and bodies.
DEADPOOL: Francis! Francis!
He searches one of the cars.
DEADPOOL: What the shit biscuit! Where you at, Francis?
Behind him, one of the men he shot gets up.
DEADPOOL: Ugh. You’re not Francis.
Rather than killing him, the bullet is just lodged in his forehead. He pulls it out and rolls up his sleeves.
DEADPOOL: Really? Rolling up the sleeves?
The man pulls out some knives and charges Deadpool. Deadpool takes out his swords and skewers the man. Everything slows down to a stop.
DEADPOOL: (Narrating) You’re probably thinking, ‘My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but this guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kebab.’ Well, I may be super, but I am no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that’s exactly what this is. A love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to way before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
CUT TO: APARTMENT, TWO YEARS AGO
MERCHANT: Look, what if I slow it down for you? I didn’t order the pizza.
JEREMY: Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant?
MERCHANT: Yeah, the Mr. Merchant, who didn’t order the fucking pie!
JEREMY: Then who placed the call?
Wade Wilson calls out from the bathroom.
WADE: I did. Pineapple and olive? Sweet and salty.
The delivery boy hands the pizza to Wade.
MERCHANT: Fuck are you? The fuck you doing in my crib?
Wade pulls out a gun. Merchant backs off.
WADE: Is it bread crust?
JEREMY: Oh, God, I hope not.
MERCHANT: Woah, man, look. If this is about that poker game, I told him, I told Howie that uh… Just uh, just take whatever you want.
Merchant hands Wade his wallet.
WADE: Thanks.
JEREMY: Sir, before you do anything to him, mind if I get a big tip?
WADE: Jeremy, is it? Wade Wilson. That is ah, a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. I’m not here for him. I’m here for you.
MERCHANT: Oh, hey, wow, dodged a big time bullet on that one!
WADE: You’re not out of the woods yet. You need to seriously ease-up on the bedazzling. They’re jeans, not a chandelier. P.S., I am keeping your wallet. You did kind of give it to me.
MERCHANT: Hey, look man, can I just have my Sam’s Card -
WADE: I will shoot your fucking cat.
MERCHANT: I don’t even know what that means. I don’t have a cat.
WADE: Then who’s kitty litter did I just shit in?
No one says anything for a moment.
WADE: Anywho, tell me something, what situation isn’t improved by pizza? Do you happen to know a Megan, Orflowsky? Orlavsky? Orlovsky? Am I getting that right?
Jeremy nods.
WADE: Good.
He eats a slice of pizza.
WADE: 'Cause she knows you. Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down.
Wade hands a piece of pizza to Merchant, who reaches for it, but Wade drops it on the floor.
WADE: And Megan, she’s not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot.
JEREMY: I’m, uh…
WADE: A stalker. Threats hurt, Jer. But not nearly as much as serrated steel. So keep away from Megan. Cool?
JEREMY: Yes, sir.
WADE: Kay, we’re cool.
JEREMY: Wait, we are?
WADE: Yeah, totally done.
They all start laughing. Wade points to Merchant.
WADE: You should have seen your face!
MERCHANT: I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared.
WADE: Soft spot, remember?
Suddenly, Wade takes Jeremy by the neck and throws him up against the wall.
WADE: Read a book in her general direction again, and you will learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots too. That came out wrong. Or did it?
Wade gently kisses Jeremy’s cheek. Jeremy whimpers.
CUT TO: SKATE PARK
A bunch of teenagers are hanging out at a skate park. Wade arrives and walks towards a group of girls, point to one of them.
WADE: Megan.
He throws down a pizza box and some photos of him holding a gun to Jeremy.
WADE: You’ve heard the last of Jeremy. He’s sorry.
MEGAN: No friggin’ way!
DEADPOOL: Shoulda brought my roller blades, show these kids how it’s done.
Megan hugs him.
DEADPOOL: And that’s why we do it. But mostly the money.
GIRL: Think you could fuck up my step-dad?
DEADPOOL: If I give a guy a pavement facial, it’s 'cause he’s earned it.
He begins to leave.
MEGAN: Hey, wait! You’re my hero.
DEADPOOL: No, no, no, no, no. That I ain't.
CUT TO: SIDEWALK
Wade walks on a sidewalk. As a man walks past him, Wade hits him in the nuts.
WADE: (Narrating) Nope. Never will be.
MAN: Fuck you, Wade.
WADE: (Narrating) I’m just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck-up worse guys.
He enters a building.
WADE: (Narrating) Welcome to Sister Margaret’s. It’s like a job fair for mercenaries. Think of us like really fucked up tooth fairies, except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. You best hope we never see your name on a gold card.
Wade enters a bar. He greets a few men as he walks over to the bartender.
WEASEL: Wade Wilson. Patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you?
WADE: I’d love a blowjob.
WEASEL: Oh God, me too.
WADE: The drink, moose knuckle. But first…
Wade takes out a gold card and places it on the bar. Weasel takes it.
WADE: And I ain’t taking any babysitting money, alright? Make sure that gets back to Miss, uh…
WEASEL: Orlovsky?
WADE: Her.
WEASEL: You sure?
WADE: Mhm.
WEASEL: You know, for a merc, you’re pretty warm-blooded. I bet you let the kid off easy, too.
WADE: Oh, he’s not a bad kid, he’s… Just a little light stalking. I was way worse than him when I was his age. I was traveling to exotic places. Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville. Meeting new and exciting people.
WEASEL: And killing them, yeah. I’ve seen your instagram. So what was special forces doing in Jacksonville?
WADE: That’s classified. They have wonderful T.G.I. Friday’s.
WEASEL: Alright, Kalua, Bailey’s, and whipped cream. I give you: A Blowjob. Ah, why did you make me make that?
Wade gets the attention of one of the waitresses.
WADE: Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Could you bring that over to Bob, please? And tell him it’s from Buck.
WEASEL: Remind me what good will come of this?
WADE: I don’t take the shits, I just disturb them.
Suddenly, there’s a commotion. One of the mercs punches another in the face. A fight breaks out. Wade and Weasel clink glasses.
WADE: Cheers. To your health.
WEASEL: Fuck you.
One of the mercs picks up a stool.
WEASEL: That’s a new stool
The man breaks the stool over another man’s back.One of the mercs gets the better of the other and knocks him to the floor.
MERC: Stay the fuck down.
Weasel walks over.
WEASEL: Alright, move. Move, move, move, move.
He holds a mirror up to the face of the merc on the ground.
WEASEL: Yup. Still breathing.
Many of the people in the bar groan.
WEASEL: Nobody wins today. Nice try, Wade.
WADE: You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool. Who’d you pick?
WEASEL: You know, Wade, uh, um…
WADE: No… You did not bet on me to die.
He looks up at a chalkboard above the bar that has all of the information for the dead pool.
WADE: You bet on me to die. Wow. Mother fucker, you’re the world’s worst friend. But joke’s on you. I’m living to 102, and then dying, like the city of Detroit.
WEASEL: I’m sorry, I just wanted to win money. I never win anything.
WADE: Oh, whatever. Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me!
Everyone in the bar cheers and raises their glasses to Wade.
WEASEL: Domestic! Nothing imported.
A woman approaches Wade.
VANESSA: Woah, woah, woah, woah, baby. You sure you wanna shoot your full wad?
WADE: Uh… Tight.
VANESSA: Vanessa.
WADE: Wade. What’s a nice place like you doing in a girl like this?
One of the other mercs slaps her ass.
MERC: I’d hit that.
WADE: You’d best apologize, before…
Vanessa tightly grabs the mercs balls.
WADE: … Yeah. That.
VANESSA: Say the magic words, fat Gandalf.
MERC: I’m sorry.
WADE: Breath through the nose
MERC: I don’t have a filter between my brain and my-
Vanessa grabs his balls even harder.
WADE: Hey, woah, hakuna his tatas! He’s sorry. Get out of here, go. Go cast a spell.
Wade puts his hand on Vanessa.
VANESSA: Hey, hands off the merchandise.
WADE: Merchandise, oh. So you uh… Warm fuzzys for money?
VANESSA: Yep.
WADE: Rough childhood?
VANESSA: Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
WADE: Daddy left before I was conceived.
VANESSA: Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
WADE: Where else do you put one out?
VANESSA: I was molested.
WADE: Me too. Uncle.
VANESSA: Uncles. They took turns.
WADE: I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happens to be -
VANESSA: Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.
Wade gasps.
WADE: You had a dishwasher! I didn’t even go to sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn.
Vanessa laughs.
VANESSA: Who would do such a thing?
WADE: Hopefully you. Later tonight? Hey, what… What can I get for, uh… $275 and a yogurt lite rewards card?
VANESSA: Maybe about forty-eight minutes of whatever the fuck you want.
She puts the yogurt gift card in Wade’s mouth and walks away. Wade follows her.
WEASEL: Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?
CUT TO: ARCADE
Shot of what appears to be Wade on top of Vanessa.
WADE: It’s time to put balls in holes. You said whatever I want.
VANESSA: I get it.
Camera angle changes to shot of them in front of skeeball machines.
VANESSA: You love skeeball. Apparently more than you love vagina.
WADE: It’s a tough call. I just want to get to know the real you. Not the short, 2-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood.
VANESSA: Balls in holes.
WADE: Balls in holes. Prepare to lose tragically.
VANESSA: Bring it, big man.
WADE: Okay.
Rather than rolling the ball, Wade throws it directly into the hole labelled ‘100’.
VANESSA: Ruh-roh.
WADE: Ruh-roh.
Cut to wade walking up to the Arcade counter with a ton of tickets.
WADE: A limited edition, Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. I’ve had my eye on this sucker for a while.
VANESSA: And I will take the pencil eraser.
ARCADE EMPLOYEE: Okay. You are now the proud protector of the planet. And you, can erase stuff, written in pencil.
WADE: M’lady?
He takes her arm and they walk away.
VANESSA: Well, I hate to break it to you, but your 48 minutes are up.
WADE: Hey, how many more minutes could I get for this? FYI, five mini-lion bots come together to form one super-lion bot.
VANESSA: (Excitedly) Five mini-lion bots? Three minutes.
WADE: What do we do with the remaining two minutes, thirty seven seconds?
VANESSA: Cuddle?
Cut to them having sex.
VANESSA: How long can you keep this up?
WADE: All year?
Cut to them having sex on a bed covered in rose petals.
VANESSA: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Cut to them having sex in a room lit by red lanterns.
WADE: Happy Chinese New Year.
VANESSA: Year of the Dog.
Cut to Wade looking stressed in bed.
VANESSA: Relax. And happy International Women’s Day.
WADE: Ah! Nope, nope, nope.
Cut to them sitting in chairs and reading.
WADE: Happy Lent.
Cut to Wade eating her out.
VANESSA: Ow, Wade!
He sticks his head up. He’s wearing plastic vampire teeth.
WADE: Happy Halloween.
He takes out the teeth.
WADE: Happy Halloween.
She laughs. Cut to them having sex on a table covered in food. She shoves some mashed potatoes into his mouth.
VANESSA: Happy Thanksgiving.
WADE: I love you.
Cut to Vanessa sitting in bed. Wade approaches her.
WADE: If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?
He pulls the sheets off of her. She’s wearing an ugly Christmas sweater.
WADE: Ugh, that sweater is terrible! But, it looks good on you.
VANESSA: Red’s your color. Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes.
WADE: Listen, I’ve been thinking.
VANESSA: Really?
WADE: About why we’re so good together.
VANESSA: Why’s that?
WADE: Well, your crazy matches my crazy. And we’re like two jigsaw pieces, you know? Um… Weird, curvy edges.
VANESSA: Put them together and you can see the picture on top. Wade, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, but only because you haven’t gotten around to asking me. Will you, um… Stick it it my -
WADE: Marry me?
He holds up a ring-pop.
VANESSA: Uhh... Jinx? Where were you hiding that?
Shot of Wade’s bare ass.
WADE: Nowhere. I spent one month’s salary, so…
VANESSA: You mean it?
WADE: I do.
VANESSA: That’s my line.
They kiss.
VANESSA: I love you, Wade Wilson.
WADE: So that’s a… You’re s’posed to -
VANESSA: Yes!
WADE: Yes! Ha ha ha! I feel just like a little girl!
They spoon in bed.
WADE: What if I just held on and never let go?
VANESSA: Ride a bitch’s back like Yoda on Luke?
WADE: Oh, Star Wars jokes…
VANESSA: Empire.
WADE: Jesus Christ, it’s like I made you in a computer.
They kiss. He picks up a camera and takes a picture of them.
WADE: Hey. Perfect. Pee break. Shake it, yeah.
She shakes the picture to dry it off. He gets up to pee.
WADE: (Narrating) Here’s the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break.
He finishes peeing and walks back to bed, taking his shirt off.
WADE: (Narrating) Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program.
He falls over on the floor, passing out.
VANESSA: Oh, my God! Wade!
CUT TO: HOSPITAL
Shot of an X-Ray of Wade’s body. There are a number of pinkish blobs. Cut to Wade and Vanessa sitting in a doctor’s office.
WADE: You’re clowning. You’re not clowning? I sense clowns.
DOCTOR: People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. There are certainly options we can look into. Drugs are being developed every day.
Wade and Vanessa look at each other.
VANESSA: So what do we do? Surely there must be something we can do. My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and all these new experimental drugs…
Her voice fades out. Wade looks at her.
WADE: (Narrating) Vanessa’s already working on plan A, B, all the way through Z. Me? I’m memorizing the details of her face. Like it’s the first time I’m seeing it. Or the last.
DOCTOR: Mr. Wilson. Mr Wilson? Take your time to process this. It’s important not to do anything rash.
CUT TO: BRIDGE
Cut back to the carnage on the bridge. Deadpool is skewering a guy with his swords, and cuts him in half. He puts his sword away.
DEADPOOL: Now, if I were a two-hundred pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide? Oh.
A motorcycle starts. He turns around. The motorcycle speeds past him, shooting. Deadpool jumps into the air, throwing his sword into the front wheel of the motorcycle. The biker flies off. Deadpool walks over.
DEADPOOL: A hush falls over the crowd. Rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina, Saskatchewan lines up the shot. His form looks good.
Deadpool kicks the biker in the chest, sending him back down.
DEADPOOL: And that's why Regina rhymes with fun. Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing is sweet, dick-kicking revenge.
Deadpool continues beating the biker.
DEADPOOL: Oh! Giving him the business.
He throws the biker to the side of the bridge.
DEADPOOL: Incoming!
He kicks the biker's helmet off, revealing it to be Francis.
DEADPOOL: This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level!
He stabs his sword through Francis's shoulder and into the bridge barrier, pinning him down.
DEADPOOL: Looking good, Francis. Well rested. Like you've been pitching, not catching. Ringing any bells? No?
He lifts his mask up.
DEADPOOL: How about now?
FRANCIS: Huh. Wade fucking Wilson. Well hello, gorgeous.
DEADPOOL: Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Sharpei. Yeah, and whose fault is that, Francis? Time to undo what you did to this butterface.
FRANCIS: You should thank me. Apparently I made you immortal. I'm actually quite jealous.
DEADPOOL: Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late '90s.
Colossus walks up behind Deadpool. Deadpool raises his hand, hitting Colossus in the crotch. He feels around for a second.
DEADPOOL: Dad?
Colossus throws him into a car.
DEADPOOL: (Narrating) I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way.
Cut to an action figure of Deadpool from the Wolverine Origins movie.
DEADPOOL: (Narrating) Well, maybe not the most.
CUT TO: WADE & VANESSA'S APARTMENT
WADE: Now this is my most prized possession.
He picks up and album by Wham!
VANESSA: Wham?
WADE: No, no, no, no. Wham! Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point.
VANESSA: So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door?
WADE: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only, if spring was death. God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
He picks up a coin bag with Bernadette Peters on it. Vanessa takes it and shakes it.
VANESSA: Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere! Drink.
She hands him a glass.
WADE: You're right. Cancer's only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All things I can live without.
VANESSA: You belong here at home. Surrounded by your Ultron, and your Bernadette, and your me.
WADE: Listen, we both know that cancer is a shitshow. Like, Yakoff Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair, shitshow. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me. Not the ghost of Christmas me.
VANESSA: Well, I want to remember us!
WADE: I swear to God, I'm gonna find you in the next life, and I'm gonna boombox Careless Whisper outside your window. Wham!
VANESSA: No one is boomboxing shit, okay?
She sits down next to him.
VANESSA: We can fight this. Besides, I just realized something. You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine.
WADE: I love you.
They start making out.
CUT TO: BAR
Wade walks in.
WEASEL: Wade.
Wade sits at the bar.
WADE: Wease.
WEASEL: You look like you need a blowjob and a shower. Courtesy calls for the latter first.
WADE: Yeah, how about three shots of Patron?
WEASEL: Yeah, how about Triticum aestivum? Wheat grass. Excellent for the immune system.
WADE: Jesus Christ, you sound like Vanessa. Here, check it out. She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures.
He pulls out a bunch of brochures.
WADE: I'm sure they're all FDA approved. Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer? We've got China, and central Mexico. You know how they say cancer in spanish?
WEASEL: How?
WADE: El cancer.
WEASEL: Oh. I could have guessed that. Look how happy you look here?
He shows Wade the picture he took of himself and Vanessa.
WEASEL: Mind if I keep this? Put it up, so I can remember? When you looked alive. At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool, now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer.
WADE: Thanks.
WEASEL: Oh, and that guy over there came in looking for you.
He hands wade a card with a number on it.
WEASEL: Real grim reaper type. I dunno. Might further the plot.
Wade walks over to the man and sits down.
MAN: Ah! Mr. Wilson.
WADE: How can I help you? Besides luring children into a panel van.
MAN: I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
WADE: Stalker alert.
MAN: My job. Recruitment. I'm sorry you've had such a tough go. But you're a fighter. Special forces, forty-one confirmed kills.
WADE: One every seven weeks. At that rate, most folks get a haircut.
He takes a sip of his drink.
WADE: It's to wash the taste out. Of being so... impressive.
MAN: And now you spend your days sticking up for the little people.
WADE: People change. What do you want?
MAN: I represent an organization of people that may be able to help. What if I told you we can cure your cancer? And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of.
WADE: I'd say that you sound like an infomercial. But not a good one, like Slapchop, more Shakeweighty.
Wade makes a shakeweight gesture.
MAN: The world needs extraordinary soldiers. We won't just make you better. We will make you better than better. A superhero.
WADE: Look, Agent Smith. I tried the superhero business and it left a mark. But if I ever hit, 'Fuck it', I'll hit you up. Oh, uh, shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, so you may wanna... You know. Yeah.
Wade gets up and leaves, going back over to the bar.
WADE: His drinks on him.
CUT TO: WADE AND VANESSA'S APARTMENT
Wade sits in a chair.
VANESSA: Hey, what's going on?
WADE: Hey, sorry. I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it.
He gets into bed.
WADE: Hey, uh, they made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
Cut to Wade packing.
WADE: (Narrating) The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you. But what it does to the people you love. Who knew if this guy could save my life. But I knew there was only one way I could save hers.
He leaves.
WADE: (Narrating) Isn't that what superheroes do?
Wade calls the man.
CUT TO: BRIDGE
Deadpool is frozen midair after Colossus threw him.
DEADPOOL: Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass. Dry cleaning-discounts, lucrative film deals both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets.
COLOSSUS: You know I can hear you.
DEADPOOL: I'm not talking to you. I was talking to them.
He points at the camera.
COLOSSUS: (To Francis) Stay right here. You've been warned before, Deadpool. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us.
DEADPOOL: Look, Colossus! I don't have time for the goody-two-shoes bullshit right now! And... you are?
NEGASONIC: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
DEADPOOL: Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? That's the coolest name ever! So what, you're like his sidekick?
COLOSSUS: No, trainee.
DEADPOOL: Let me guess. X-men left you behind on, what, shit detail?
NEGASONIC: What does that make you?
DEADPOOL: Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Trade names?
He punches Francis.
NEGASONIC: Can we go?
DEADPOOL: Look! I'm a teenage girl! I'd rather be anywhere than here. I'm all about long, sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence, or mean comment? Go on.
NEGASONIC: You've got me in a box here.
DEADPOOL: Ah-hah!
COLOSSUS: We can't allow this Deadpool. Please, come quietly.
DEADPOOL: You big, chrome, cock-gobbler!
COLOSSUS: That's not nice.
DEADPOOL: You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me. That wheezing bag of dick tips has it coming! He's pure evil! Besides, nobody's getting hurt!
The body that splattered onto the highway sign falls off. The three of them turn to look.
DEADPOOL: That guy was already up there when I got here.
COLOSSUS: Wade, you're better than this! Join us! Use your powers for good.
Deadpool tosses a metal disk at Francis, hitting him in the face.
DEADPOOL: Heads up.
COLOSSUS: Be a superhero!
DEADPOOL: Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners, at the Neverland mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking mother fucker, on that day... I'll send your shiny happy ass a friend request. But until then, I'm gonna do what I came here to do. Either that, or slap the bitch out of you.
COLOSSUS: Wade...
NEGASONIC: Hey -
DEAPOOL: Zip it, Sinead!
NEGASONIC: Hey, douchepool!
DEADPOOL: And I hope you're watching!
He turns around to point at Francis, who is no longer there. He gasps.
COLOSSUS: Quite unfortunate.
Deadpool looks back and forth at where Colossus is and where Francis was.
DEADPOOL: That does it!
He jumps up and hits Colossus's head, breaking his hand.
DEADPOOL: Oh, Canada! That's not good.
COLOSSUS: Wade, please.
DEADPOOL: Cock shot!
With his good hand, he punches Colossus in the crotch. This does nothing but break his hand.
DEADPOOL: Oh, your poor wife!
COLOSSUS: You really should stop.
He holds his broken hands in front of him.
DEADPOOL: All the dinosaurs feared the T-rex.
He flips up into the air, breaking his foot upon contact with Colossus's head. Negasonic laughs.
DEADPOOL: Ah! I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!
COLOSSUS: This is embarrassing. Please, stay down.
DEADPOOL: You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest?
Deadpool gets up and hops on one leg, holding his other three broken limbs up.
COLOSSUS: Do you have off switch?
DEADPOOL: Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?
COLOSSUS: Enough!
Colossus hits him into a car. Negasonic laughs. Deadpool moans in pain. Colossus handcuffs him and drags him along.
COLOSSUS: Let us go talk to the professor.
DEADPOOL: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing. Dead or alive you're coming with me!
COLOSSUS: You will recover, Wade. You always do.
Deadpool snaps his arm back into place and takes out a knife.
DEADPOOL: (To the camera) You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
Deadpool begins cutting his own hand off, escaping the handcuffs.
NEGASONIC: Oh, my God. Nasty.
A spurt of blood hits Colossus in the face.
DEADPOOL: Oh, there's the money shot, baby! Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.
Deadpool flips off of the bridge and lands in a truck passing underneath. His hand, still in the handcuff, is flipping off Colossus. Cut to Deadpool in the back of the truck.
DEADPOOL: Rock, meet Bottom. When life ends up breath-takingly fucked, you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision.
CUT TO: DIMLY LIT FACILITY
WADE is on a stretcher.
WADE: (Narrating) The one that sent you down the road to shittsburgh. This, well, this was mine.
MAN: Mr. Wilson, nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. You finally hit, 'Fuck it'.
WADE: Just promise me you'll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else.
MAN: Of course.
WADE: And please don't make the super suit green. Or animated!
Wade is brought into a large room with a lot of other people. One woman has spikes on her back. Another is bleeding and panting.
WADE: This place seems sanitary. My first request is warmer hands.
Some men put him on a chair and strap him down.
WADE: And, Jesus, a warmer table! You should really come up with a safe word fellas. I'm thinking pork and beans.
A woman comes by and pushes his head down, strapping him in.
WADE: Aren't you a little strong for a lady? I'm calling wang. What's up with the matches? Oral fixation? Or just a big Stallone fan?
She puts her hand over his mouth.
FRANCIS: Patience, Angel.
She removes her hand.
FRANCIS: All in good time.
WADE: Are you here for the turn down service or what?
FRANCIS: We have another talker.
WADE: I'm just excited about my first day at super hero camp.
ANGEL: Shut the fuck up.
She puts a rag over his mouth. Francis inspects him.
FRANCIS: Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. I manage this workshop. My welcome speech used to be filled with euphemisms like, 'This may hurt a little'. 'This may cause you some discomfort'. But I've grown blunt. This workshop is not a government-led program. It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself into men of extraordinary abilities. But if you think superhuman powers are acquired painlessly, well... I'm injecting with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. For it to work, we need to subject you to extreme stress.
Francis puts an IV into Wade's arm and turns on a machine. A blue liquid begins to flow through.
FRANCIS: You've heard the whole, make an omelette break some eggs thing, right? I'm about to hurt you, Wade. I was a patient here once myself, you know. The treatment affects everyone differently. It made Angel inhumanly strong. In my case, it enhanced my reflexes, and scorched my nerve endings so I not longer feel pain. And in fact, I no longer feel anything.
Wade starts mumbling. Angel removes his gag.
WADE: Thank you! Thank you. You have something in your teeth. Just in the middle there. Romaine lettuce, or something. It's been bothering me for a long time.
Francis checks his teeth.
WADE: Ha! Made you look. Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. What is it really? Kevin? Ruth? Scott? Mitch? Dexter? Is it Basil Fawlty?
FRANCIS: Joke away. The one thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor.
WADE: We'll see about that.
FRANCIS: I suppose we will. He's all yours.
Francis leaves.
WADE: Oh, come on. You're going to leave me all alone here with less angry Rosie O'Donnell?
She punches him. A montage of experiments on Wade begins, with Francis narrating.
FRANCIS: This is how it's going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we're going to have to make you suffer. If you're lucky, your mutant genes will activate and manifest in spectacular fashion. If not, well, we'll have to keep hurting you. In new and more painful ways, each more different than the last. Until you finally mutate. Or die.
Cut to Wade talking with another man.
WADE: Got a bucket list? I'd really like to light a spliff off of the Olympic Torch.
CUNNINGHAM: Pass it to me right after.
WADE: Let's not forget naked tandem base jumping with the WNBA Sacramento Monarchs.
CUNNINGHAM: Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity.
WADE: Giving Meredith Baxter Birney a dutch oven.
CUNNINGHAM: No, receiving a dutch oven from Meredith Baxter Birney. Making banana pancakes for my kids.
WADE: Vanessa. I wanna see Vanessa.
FRANCIS: Lovely. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched.
CUNNINGHAM: We're just joking.
FRANCIS: No, no. It's okay. I encourage distractions. Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we?
WADE: Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. How tough can he be, with a name like Francis.
CUNNINGHAM: Francis?
WADE: That's his legal name. He got Ajax from the dish soap. F, R, A, N, C, I, oops! I snabbed the dry-cleaning tag off your lab coat. FYI, I could probably get you the super hero discount.
FRANCIS: You are so relentlessly annoying.
WADE: Thanks. Never heard that before.
FRANCIS: Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.
WADE: Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. See, here's the problem with round-the-clock torture. You can't really step it up from there.
FRANCIS: Is that what you think?
Cut to Wade being strapped down in a machine.
FRANCIS: If this doesn't unlock your mutation, well... Nothing will. Now, what we're going to do is lower the oxygen concentration in there to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. If your brain waves slow, meaning you're about to pass out, then we'll turn up the O2. If your heart rate slows, meaning you're able to catch your breath, we'll turn it back down. And that's where we'll leave you. Right there.
WADE: Ugh, I thought you guys were dicks before.
FRANCIS: You know the funniest part of all this? You still think we're making you a super hero. You, a dishonorable discharge hook deep in hookers? You're nothing. Our secret, mate, is that this workshop doesn't make super heroes. We make super slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who knows what they'll have you do. Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.
WADE: What the fuck is wrong with you?
FRANCIS: You're never going home after this. now there's a brave face.
WADE: Wait, wait! Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now.
FRANCIS: Enjoy your weekend.
WADE: Weekend? Back up, weekend?
Francis starts the machine. Wade begins choking. Cut to night. His whole body begins to transform.
WADE: (Narrating) Did I say this was a love story? No, it's a horror movie.
Wade begins screaming. Cut to day time. Francis comes back and turns off the machine.
FRANCIS: Fucking hell. Looks like someone lost his shot at homecoming king.
WADE: What have you done to me?
FRANCIS: I've merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation.
WADE: You sadistic fuck!
FRANCIS: I've cured you, Wade. Now your mutated cells can heal anything. It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form. You know, I've seen some of the side effects before. I could cure them. But where's the fun in that? Now I'm gonna shut you in again Wade. Not because I need to. Because I want to. Ah, well. Go ahead.
Angel fiddles with the straps.
ANGEL: You smell like shit.
Wade head butts her.
ANGEL: Mother fucker -
FRANCIS: Hey, hey, hey! It's alright! It's alright. I think we owe him that, yeah? Take off. Go on, off you go. Quick question. What's my name? Didn't think so.
He closes the machine and turns it on.
WADE: (Narrating) Sorry, Francis, my lips are sealed.
In the machine, Wade reveals that he took a match from Angel. He lights it and throws it towards the oxygen vent. After a few moments, the machine explodes, causing massive damage to the facility and starting a fire. Francis comes down with a fire extinguisher. He sees that Wade escaped from the machine. Wade charges him with a metal pipe and they begin fighting.
FRANCIS: You don't wanna kill me! I'm the only one that can fix your barking mug!
They continue fighting. Francis gains the upper hand and skewers Wade with a metal pipe, bending it to prevent him from getting up.
FRANCIS: What's my name?
Francis leaves.
CUNNINGHAM: Wade...
Wade looks up to see Cunningham. Cut to much later, after the fire has died out. Wade rises up out of the dirt and rubble.
WADE: (Narrating) I didn't just get the cure to el cancer. I got the cure to el everything. But there was only one thing that really mattered.
CUT TO: STREET
Vanessa walks down a sidewalk. Wade follows her. A lot of people give him strange looks. He watched Vanessa purchase something at a market and follows her to her apartment. She enters, but he walks away.
CUT TO: BAR
WADE: No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine, man.
WEASEL: Oh, come on, Wade. It can't be that bad.
WADE: Ah, bullshit! I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus!
WEASEL: Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you - Oh. Oh.
WADE: Do you like what you see?
WEASEL: No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
WADE: Yeah.
WEASEL: And not gently. Like, it was hate fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship, and that was the only catharsis they could find without violence.
WADE: And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the brown shitstick from the mutant factory, and he's gone! Poof.
WEASEL: Yeah, you've got to do something to remedy this, 'cause as of now you only have on course of action.
WADE: Damn straight. Find Francis -
WEASEL: Star in horror films.
WADE: What?
WEASEL: Star in your own horror films. 'Cause you look like Freddy Krueger face fucked a topographical map of Utah.
WADE: Here's what I'm actually going to do. I'm going to work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, put a bullet in his skull, and fuck the brain hole.
WEASEL: I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think you're dead, right?
WADE: Yeah.
WEASEL: That's good. You should keep it that way.
WADE: What, like, wear a mask?
WEASEL: Yes, a very thick mask, all the time. I am sorry, you are... haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
WADE: Like a testicle with teeth.
WEASEL: You will die alone. If, I mean, if you could die. Ideally. For others' sake.
WADE: That'll do.
WEASEL: All you need now is a suit and a nickname, like Wade the Wisecracker, or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie... Oh shit.
WADE: What?
WEASEL: I put all my money on you, and I just realized I'm never going to win the -
WADE: Deadpool. Captain Deadpool. No, just Deadpool. Yeah.
WEASEL: Yeah. To you, Mr. Pool. That sounds like a fucking franchise.
The clink glasses. Cut to a Deadpool making his costume.
DEADPOOL: This shit's gonna have nuts in it.
He attacks some guys, shouting 'Where's Francis?' Back at his apartment, he realizes his clothes are covered in blood. Cut to him in a laundry mat. An old blind woman addresses him.
AL: Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Or wear red. Dumbass.
Cut to him making a new, red costume. Cut to him interrupting a boxing match and attacking a man there.
DEADPOOL: Don't make me ask twice. Where's Francis?
Cut to him in his apartment, stabbing a picture of the man.
DEADPOOL: He made me ask twice. Is it the mask?
Cut to him making the newest costume. Cut to a montage of him killing people and asking where Francis is. Cut to an ice rink. A man is bleeding and crawling on the floor. Deadpool follows him with a Zamboni and laughs.
DEADPOOL: You're about to be killed by a Zamboni!
Back to the montage of killing people, and shouting various insults at people. Finally, Deadpool only has one person left to track down; the man who recruited him. Cut to that man recruiting another man. He gives the man a card and leaves with two guards. Deadpool confronts them.
DEADPOOL: Nice to see you, Jared. I'll take the footlong. Fully loaded.
The man runs away. Deadpool kills the two guards and catches up.
DEADPOOL: 41 confirmed kills. Now it's 89. About to be 90.
MAN: Mr. Wilson?
DEADPOOL: Ding ding!
MAN: You're looking very... alive.
DEADPOOL: Ha! Only on the outside.
MAN: This isn't going to end well for me.
DEADPOOL: This is not gonna end well for you, no. Where's your boss?
MAN: I can tell you exactly -
DEADPOOL: Ah, da, da, da, da ,da ,da, da. Oh, you'll tell me. But first, you might want to look away for this.
Deadpool pushes the camera away.
DEADPOOL: Now this little piggy went to...
MAN: Ah!
Cut back to Deadpool's apartment. He sticks a knife in a picture of the recruiter.
DEADPOOL: Thank you, Agent Smith.
Cut to Deadpool leaving his apartment and hailing a cab. Dopinder is inside.
DOPINDER: Hop in!
Deadpool gets in, then addresses the camera.
DEADPOOL: And we all know how this turned out.
Fast-forward through the cab drive and the bridge fight scene. Deadpool is holding a unicorn plushie and masturbating.
DEADPOOL: Whoops! You weren't meant to see that.
Rewind to him escaping Colossus and ending up in the truck.
DEADPOOL: There. All caught up.
CUT TO: OUTSIDE DEADPOOL'S APARTMENT
Deadpool gets out of the truck.
DEADPOOL: Sorry about bleeding in all of your garbage! Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Whoo! Some kinds of anger can't be managed. Like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! That said, when it comes time for licking wounds, there's no place like home. And I share that home with someone you've met. The old blind lady from the laundry mat, Al.
AL: God, I miss cocaine.
DEADPOOL: Her. Ah! Fourth wall break in a fourth wall break. That's like... sixteen walls! She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old. And black. And blind. And I think she's in love with me. Wait, I'm pretty sure Robin loves Batman too.
He knocks on the door. Al goes to answer it, but trips and falls.
DEADPOOL: Al?
He opens the door.
DEADPOOL: Good morning, sleepy head. It smells like old lady pants in here.
AL: Yes, I'm old, I wear pants.
DEADPOOL: But you're no lady.
Deadpool takes off his shoes and puts crocs on.
DEADPOOL: Oh! So comfy.
AL: Upside of being blind, I've never seen you in crocs.
DEADPOOL: You mean my big rubber masturbatin' shoes?
AL: Yes, I know. Downside of being blind. I hear everything in this duplex.
DEADPOOL: Sit on a stick.
AL: Bactine?
DEADPOOL: Yeah. Bactine should do it.
He lifts up his hand, which is slowly starting to grow back. Al is assembling furniture.
DEADPOOL: How's that Cunen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know.
AL: You're telling me. I don't mind the Cunen. It's an improvement on the Holdall.
DEADPOOL: Please. Anything's an improvement over the Holdall. I'd have taken and Emness or a Tristes over the Holdall. No, I didn't get excited until I saw the Cunen.
AL: Screw please.
DEADPOOL: Here? Now? Just kidding, I know it's been decades.
AL: You'd be surprised.
DEADPOOL: Pretty grossed out.
AL: Ta da.
She finishes the furniture and sits down. After a moment, it completely falls apart.
AL: I wish I'd never heard of Craigslist.
DEADPOOL: And I quote, 'Looking for blind and likes imperfections, must be good with hands.' Or would you rather I build the ikea and you pay rent?
AL: Why so douchy this morning?
DEADPOOL: Let's recap. The cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today. Arm. Catching him my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back, and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. So yeah, today was about as much fun as a sand paper dildo.
He's grabbed some lube and a unicorn plushie. As he walks by Al into his room, he loudly farts.
DEADPOOL: Hashtag drive by.
CUT TO: WAREHOUSE
Francis pulls up outside. Inside, Angel is getting some super slaves ready. Francis walks in.
FRANCIS: Found out who our friend in the red suit is.
Cut to Angel repairing his clothes.
FRANCIS: Fucking Wade Wilson. Of course, I'd wear a mask too with a face like that. I only wish I healed the same. Still. We'll put him out of our misery. On our terms.
ANGEL: Right. And when he heals?
FRANCIS: He can't. Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. You know, it's funny. I almost missed the fucker. I like a challenge. But he's bad for business. Now let's go and find him.
CUT TO: DEADPOOL'S APARTMENT
Deadpool sits on the couch. Al comes over with a drink.
AL: Tylenol PM?
DEADPOOL: I'd stick that where you stuck the Bactine. I raided my stash of wisdom teeth Percocet and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now.
He strokes her chin with his hand, which looks like a baby's hand.
DEADPOOL: I appreciate the gesture.
AL: Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?
DEADPOOL: It's about the size of a KFC spork.
AL: I get why you're so pissy. But your mood's never going to right until you find this woman and tell her how you feel!
DEADPOOL: I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo, she wouldn't have me! If you could see me, you'd understand.
AL: Looks aren't everything.
DEADPOOL: Looks are everything! You ever heard David Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium! You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?
AL: Love is blind, Wade.
DEADPOOL: No. You're blind.
AL: So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
DEADPOOL: No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan. In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand. Go, go, go, go, go ,go.
She begins to get up.
CUT TO: THE BAR
Weasel is telling a joke to some men.
WEASEL: So the doctor says, 'Well the bad news is, you don't have that much time to live?' He says, 'How long do I have?' The doctor says, 'Five.' The guy says, 'Five what?' The doctor says, 'Four, three, two...'
He and the men laugh. Weasel notices that Francis, Angel, and some of their men have come in.
WEASEL: Can I help you ladies?
FRANCIS: Well, I sure hope so. I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a, um... A friend of mine. Name of Wade Wilson.
WEASEL: Sorry. I don't know the name.
Angel reaches and grabs something on the back wall.
WEASEL: Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar.
ANGEL: I recognize that girl.
FRANCIS: This must be Vanessa. I've heard so much about you.
Angel holds Weasel up against the wall. Everyone in the bar pulls out a gun and points it at her.
WEASEL: Um, sweetheart, you might want to look around. This isn't really the place to do something like that.
FRANCIS: Easy, Angel. Put the little man down.
She puts Weasel down.
FRANCIS: We have everything we need now.
WEASEL: You sure? You don't want any clothes that aren't monochromatic? Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade 2.
Angel and Francis leave.
WEASEL: Woo. Thanks for having my back, guys.
He calls Deadpool.
WEASEL: Wade, we have a fucking problem. And by we, I mean you.
CUT TO: STREET
Deadpool and Weasel walk down a sidewalk.
DEADPOOL: I can't believe I'm doing this. Is there a word for half afraid, half angry?
WEASEL: Yeah, afrangry, I guess. Do you know what you're going to say to her?
DEADPOOL: Ugh, fuck me.
WEASEL: Uh, I'd maybe not start with that.
They enter a strip club.
DJ: Hey, coming up on stage right now, give it up for Chastity!
WEASEL: Or, as I like to call her, irony.
DEADPOOL: We've got to find her fast, before numbnuts does.
WEASEL: How do you know she's in here?
DEADPOOL: 'Cause I'm constantly stalking the fox.
Weasel gets distracted by a stripper. Deadpool searches and eventually finds Vanessa.
DEADPOOL: (Narrating) Every time I see her, it's like the first time. Especially from this angle.
He approaches her, but stops short of getting her attention and instead walks away.
DJ: You can't find love, but you can rent it for three minutes!
Cut to Deadpool washing his face in the bathroom.
DEADPOOL: You weak motherfucker! Come on. Come on, get it together. This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa. Here we go. Maximum effort.
Cut back to the club.
MAN: Vanessa! Someone out back asking for you. Something about an old boyfriend.
Cut to an alley out back. Vanessa walks out and sees someone in the shadows.
VANESSA: I knew it was you. The weird curvy edges. Like a jigsaw puzzle.
The man walks out of the shadows. It's Francis, not Deadpool.
FRANCIS: You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.
She tries running, but Angel knocks her out. Cut back into the club. Deadpool approaches Weasel.
DEADPOOL: Hey, hey! Where'd she go?
WEASEL: I saw her head to the back. Go get her tiger.
Cut to Deadpool entering the alley out back. He finds his old coin purse on the ground.
DEADPOOL: Fuck... Mother fucker!
CUT TO DEADPOOL'S APARTMENT
Deadpool is yelling. Weasel tries to calm him down. Deadpool knocks over and beats up a dummy.
DEADPOOL: Chocolate! Jimminy! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh, I'm gonna rip this mother fucking -
A phone begins to ring.
DEADPOOL: Find that! Find that, I'm going to get angry!
Weasel gets the phone.
WEASEL: Here, it says Vanessa. No, wait, it's Francis. He says he wants you to come to him.
DEADPOOL: What is that?
WEASEL: That's the shit emoji. You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.
DEADPOOL: I need guns.
WEASEL: Okay, which ones.
DEADPOOL: I need all the guns!
WEASEL: Alright.
Cut to a montage of Deadpool, Weasel, and Al getting guns from all over the house.
WEASEL: That's about 3000 rounds.
DEADPOOL: Well, we all know what I can do with twelve.
Al comes in holding a gun, pointed at Weasel and Deadpool.
WEASEL: Woah, woah, woah.
DEADPOOL: Careful with that, Ronnie Milsap. We're downrange.
AL: I was gonna spend the night assembling the Volgie, but this is holding my interest.
DEADPOOL: I told you, we're going with the Oordvash, not the Bjorsha, get it through your head or get outta fuck town!
AL: Shit. That's all the pieces in the house.
DEADPOOL: Na, na, na, na, na. Let's go, cough it up. Up, up, up, up, up.
She pulls her pant leg up to reveal a gun.
DEADPOOL: Ugh, down, down, down.
AL: Fuck you.
WEASEL: Five cal. I like it. Wade. I'd go with you, but, I don't wanna.
DEADPOOL: Listen, Al. If I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. Oh, and also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the apartment, right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck.
WEASEL: Wanna get fucked up?
CUT TO: LARGE PLATFORM
Angel and Francis lead a bound and gagged Vanessa on the platform.
FRANCIS: Put her down over here.
Angel ties her up.
FRANCIS: Go on then.
Angel removes the gag.
VANESSA: Thanks, dickless. And I mean you.
FRANCIS: Well. You're a talker too? You and Wade.
VANESSA: I've been trying to tell you assholes you've got the wrong girl. My old boyfriend, he's dead.
FRANCIS: See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. Like a cockroach. Ugly. Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.
CUT TO: THE X-MEN MANSION
Deadpool runs up to knock on the door, but Negasonic opens it before he can.
DEADPOOL: Ripley! From Alien 3!
NEGASONIC: Fuck, you're old.
DEADPOOL: Ha! Fake laugh, hiding real pain. Go get silver balls.
NEGASONIC: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
DEADPOOL: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.
COLOSSUS: Wade, is that you?
DEADPOOL: It's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse! I'm gonna wait out here, okay? Big house. It's funny that we only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another x-man.
CUT TO: TAXI
Dopinder is driving. Deadpool is in the passenger seat. Colossus and Negasonic are in back.
DEADPOOL: And that is why, in my opinion, the movie cocoon is pure pornography.
DOPINDER: Who brought this twinkly man?
DEADPOOL: Twinkly, but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I told him I would consider joining his boy band.
COLOSSUS: It's not boy band.
DEADPOOL: Sure it's not. Ah! So, any luck winning Gita back?
DOPINDER: I tried to Mr. Pool, but Bantu is more craftier and handsomer than me.
DEADPOOL: Well, I think you're pretty darn cute.
The cab drives over a pothole. A scream can be heard from the trunk.
DEADPOOL: Dopinder.
DOPINDER: Hmm?
DEADPOOL: What was that?
DOPINDER: Uh, that was, uh... Bantu, in the trunk.
COLOSSUS: Ban-who?
DOPINDER: My romantic rival, Bantu. He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing like you said, DP. I'm going to gut him like a tenduri fish, then put his carcass on Gita's doorstep.
DEADPOOL I did not tell him to do that! Absolutely not! It got lost in translation! Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back! (I'm so proud of you). Drop Bantu off, safe and gentle like. (Kill him). And then win Gita back! The old fashioned way, with your boyish charm. (Kidnap her).
NEGASONIC: He's super dead.
DOPINDER: Oh!
Dopinder parks the taxi.
DOPINDER: I presume a crisp high five?
DEADPOOL: For you? Ten! Okay guys, let's get out there and make a difference! (You know what to do).
He and Dopinder give each other thumbs up.
DOPINDER: Knock 'em dead, pool boy!
DEADPOOL: Time to make the chimi fucking changas. Not often a dude ruins your face, wall stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby-momma, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
The trio approaches the large platform.
NEGASONIC: Hey, where's your duffel bag?
Deadpool turns around. Cut to the taxi. Dopinder gets a call from Deadpool. He tries to answer it, causing the car to crash. Bantu starts screaming.
DOPINDER: Bantu?
Cut back to the platform.
DOPINDER'S VOICE: Leave a message, and have a happy day!
DEADPOOL: God damn it! I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way. With two swords and maximum effort. Cue the music.
The trio starts walking again. A bunch of men with guns come out. Francis calls out from atop the platform.
FRANCIS: Wade Wilson! What's my name?
DEADPOOL: Ooh, I'mma fucking spell it out for you.
FRANCIS: Go get some.
DEADPOOL: Superhero landing, she's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it!
Angel does a superhero landing.
DEADPOOL: Woo! Superhero landing. You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical. They all do it. You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him.
COLOSSUS: I'd prefer not to hit a woman, so please, pla -
Angel hits Colossus, sending him flying.
DEADPOOL: I mean... That's why I brought her?
Negasonic is on her phone.
DEADPOOL: Oh, no, finish your tweet. Just give us a second. There you go, hashtag it. Go get her tiger.
Negasonic runs forward in a firey ball, throwing Angel back.
DEADPOOL: Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.
ANGEL: Alright then. Fire!
The men with guns start shooting. Negasonic and Deadpool hide behind cover. Colossus gets back up and throws a giant tire, hitting some of the men.
DEADPOOL: Finish fucking her the fuck up!
COLOSSUS: Language, please!
DEADPOOL: Suck a cock!
Colossus and Angel start fighting.
DEADPOOL: Look away, child. Look away!
Deadpool rips off his underwear, then holds it up as a flag of surrender.
DEADPOOL: Wait! Wait!
The men stop shooting.
DEADPOOL: Hey, you only work for that shit spackled muffin fart! So, I'mma give y'all a chance to lay down your firearms, in exchange for preferential, borderline gentle, possibly lover-like treatment.
They start shooting again.
DEADPOOL: Fine! Commando.
Deadpool runs out and fights a bunch of the guys. Cut back to Angel and Colossus fighting. Cut back to Deadpool killing a bunch of guys. Negasonic uses her power to crush a few guys. Cut back to Colossus and Angel fighting. Cut back to Deadpool killing guys. Suddenly, he stop just short of killing one.
DEADPOOL: Bob?
BOB: Wade?
DEADPOOL: Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since -
BOB: Jacksonville. TGI Friday's.
DEADPOOL: TGI Friday's!
He puts his swords away.
DEADPOOL: What the hell! Come here you.
He head butts Bob, knocking him out.
DEADPOOL: How are the kids? Good? And Gale, she still fixing that tuna casserole? So good. Bad for the waistline if you know what I mean.
Cut to Colossus. He lifts a large object off of Angel Dust. Her boob has fallen out of her shirt. He awkwardly looks away... covering the breast from camera view with his hand.
COLOSSUS: You are, uh... Very beautiful woman.
ANGEL: You are so sweet! Thanks.
She takes the opportunity to punch him in the crotch. Cut to Deadpool, who has arranged the bodies of the soldiers he killed into the word 'FRANCIS'.
FRANCIS: Does he write you notes too? He's such a romantic.
DEADPOOL: Don't worry, baby. I'm coming.
FRANCIS: Fire!
The men on the platform begin shooting. Deadpool runs out of range.
NEGASONIC: Hey! Climb on.
Deadpool nods and runs over. She uses her power to shoot him up onto the platform. He approaches Francis, who has Vanessa in the oxygen depravation machine.
DEADPOOL: Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants. You're right, beautiful! Red really is my color.
VANESSA: Wade?
DEADPOOL: Don't worry, baby. I'm gonna get you out of that shitbox.
FRANCIS: What better way to get inside that head of yours.
DEADPOOL: Oh, you never left.
VANESSA: But you did, asshole!
FRANCIS: Ah, take a deep breath darling. Oh wait, wrong choice of words.
He turns the machine on. She begins choking.
DEADPOOL: I hope they've blocked pain to your every last nerve, 'cause I'mma go looking!
FRANCIS: You grow back body parts now, Wade? When I'm finished, parts'll have to grow back you.
DEADPOOL: Good one. Yeah, that was a good one. Let's dance. And by dance, I mean let's try to kill each other.
They begin fighting. A some point, Deadpool throws one of his swords, cracking the glass of the machine. Vanessa starts being able to breathe. Cut to Angel and Colossus fighting. She begins choking him. Cut to Vanessa, who uses the sword to free herself.
FRANCIS: Fine, fists.
DEADPOOL: Sounds like your last Saturday night.
They start fighting again. Francis stabs a knife into Deadpool's head. Vanessa runs up with the sword and skewers Francis. Deadpool looks up at her and hallucinates a bunch of small cartoon creatures. Francis throws Vanessa. Deadpool takes the knife out of his head. Cut back to Angel and Colossus. Negasonic uses her power to create a massive explosion, causing the platform to begin to fall. Francis gets thrown off by a crate. Deadpool and Vanessa start to slide off.
VANESSA: Wade!
DEADPOOL: I got you, baby. I got a plan, but you're not gonna like it.
He puts her in the machine. They begin dangling off the edge.
DEADPOOL: Don't worry, I'm totally on top of this.
The platform begins falling down more rapidly. Colossus carries Angel and Negasonic out of the rubble.
DEADPOOL: Damn it! Maximum effort!
He flings the machine with Vanessa inside it out of the way of the platform, as the platform falls down. completely. Later, Colossus finds the machine in the rubble, with Vanessa still alive inside. Negasonic helps her out.
COLOSSUS: Just take it slow.
DEADPOOL: Yoo-hoo! Oh, my God, that was so awe -
Deadpool stands on top of some rubble nearby. Suddenly, Francis tackles him from the side, sending them tumbling down. They begin fighting. Deadpool has the upper hand, audibly breaking bones.
DEADPOOL: There are no words... Me and you... Are headed to fix this butterface.
FRANCIS: What? You stupid fucking idiot. Did you really think there was a cure for that?
DEADPOOL: What?
FRANCIS: You heard me.
DEADPOOL: No, no! So you mean to say, after all this, you cant fix me.
FRANCIS: It sounds a bit stupider when you say it
DEADPOOL: Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?
Deadpool pulls out a gun and puts it to Francis's head.
DEADPOOL: Any last words?
FRANCIS: What's my name?
DEADPOOL: Who fucking cares?
COLOSSUS: Wade! Four or five moments.
DEADPOOL: I'm sorry?
COLOSSUS: Four or five moments. That's all it takes.
DEADPOOL: To...?
COLOSSUS: Be a hero. Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. Not true! Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice. To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend. Spare an enemy. In these moments, everything else falls away. The way the world sees us, the way we -
Deadpool shoots Francis in the head. Colossus vomits.
COLOSSUS: Why?
DEADPOOL: You were droning on! Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread, but at least fuckface won't heal from that. If wearing superhero tights means sparing psychopaths, then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em. Not everyone monitors a hall like you.
COLOSSUS: Just promise -
DEADPOOL: Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy about to stand in front of a girl. And tell her... What the fuck am I going to tell her?
COLOSSUS: Well, heh, you better figure it out.
DEADPOOL: I can't even tell you -
Vanessa punches him.
DEADPOOL: I deserve that.
She punches him again.
DEADPOOL: That too.
She lifts her knee up. He covers his crotch.
DEADPOOL: No, no, no, no, maybe not the nethers.
VANESSA: Start talking!
DEADPOOL: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for leaving, I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner. It's been a rough couple of years.
VANESSA: Rough?
DEADPOOL: I live in a crack house. With a family of 12. Every night we spoon for warmth. Everyone fights for Noelle, she's the fattest. There's nothing that we don't share. Floorspace, dental floss, even condoms.
VANESSA: So you live in a house?
DEADPOOL: I should have come and found you sooner. But baby, the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one you remember.
VANESSA: You mean this mask?
She takes off his mask.
DEADPOOL: And this one.
He has a picture of Hugh Jackman stapled to his face.
DEADPOOL: And this one. In case the other fell off. Just, yeah, ow, like a bandaid, just give it a good - Audi 5000! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you sure?
VANESSA: I'm sure.
She takes off the paper.
VANESSA: Wow.
DEADPOOL: Yeah.
VANESSA: Hey, after a brief adjustment period, and a bunch of drinks, it's a face I'd be happy to sit on.
DEADPOOL: I'm not the same underneath this suit either. Super penis.
COLOSSUS: Come on Wade, language. Young one is present.
DEADPOOL: What are... What are you still doing here? Get out of here, go make yourself useful! You, go be a really big brother to someone. Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. And you, chicken noodle, nothing compares to you. Sinead O'Connor, 1990.
NEGASONIC: That's alright. You're cool.
Deadpool gasps.
DEADPOOL: What in the ass! That was not mean! I'm proud of you.
COLOSSUS: We will make an x-man of you yet, Wade.
DEADPOOL: You know, for a second there, it felt like we were three mini lion robots coming together to form one super robot.
NEGASONIC: There's the stupid.
DEADPOOL: Yeah. And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for.
VANESSA: Come here.
They start making out.
DEADPOOL: Wham! As promised.
They keep making out.
DEADPOOL: (Narrating) See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot, pull out, there we go, looks nice, it's gonna be the only thing pulling out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending? Till next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy, saying, I'm never gonna dance again, the way I dance with you...
His voice fades out.
END CREDITS
POST-CREDITS SCENE: HALLWAY
DEADPOOL: You're still here? It's over, go home. Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What, are you expecting Sam Jackson to show up, with an eye patch and a saucy little leather number? Go home! Oh! But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret: We're gonna have Cable. Amazing character, mechanic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley. She's got range, who knows. Big secret. Shh. Oh, and don't leave your garbage lying around. It's a total dick move. Chicka-chicka.
END MOVIE
